Divisions and Precisions

Seasonal problems?

It's been a long, crappy weekend. Depression and religion ahead, although not necessarily related.

Every October, right about the middle of the month, I wind up spending several days curled up in a little ball, hating life, avoiding everything, eating and sleeping too much, reading and watching TV to escape. I'm starting to wonder how much of that is because I now expect it to happen, and how much of it might legitimately be connected to the days getting shorter and colder.

This year hasn't been too bad. The meltdown started on Thursday night, but is about over. By tomorrow, I expect to be on the upswing again. At which point I make up for the time I lost this weekend, studying for midterms and the like.

I'm angrier this year than I remember being before. I've had some scary moments of unreasoning rage at the dumbest of things. The therapist I worked with for years always said that a lot of depression came from misdirected and ignored anger, and it's certainly been true in my case. Growing up, I didn't get angry. It was disrespectful and sinful so if I was angry, then there was something wrong with me. It's still hard for me. I mentioned to Mer and Julie once that I was extremely cranky and angry at something, and they didn't believe me. "You're never cranky!" they said. I am, I just usually hide it well.

There hasn't been much sadness this time, which is also new. Just a whole lot of "fuck it, I'm staying in bed". Which isn't to say I haven't been sad, but it hasn't predominated.

On the good end of things, though, I've been talking a lot about some things that have needed dealing with for a while. I went through a long period of rejection of the beliefs I grew up with, specifically saying, "I'm NOT Christian" for many years. I dabbled with pagan religions, experimenting with my spirituality, trying to find out what I DO believe, because I know I believe in something. Over the past six months or so, I've started to wonder if Christianity doesn't still have some validity for me--just not the Christianity I was raised with. It's hard for me to let go of the notion of God as The Guy Who Sends You to Hell For Saying Bad Words. I've spent a lot of time talking to Brand over the past couple days, who, if you've read his journal, is clearly a Christian with no bad word issues. ;)

So I don't know. I'm not used to discovering my own relationship with a deity, any deity, which is why I never got far in all my explorations. I was raised to be told what to believe and how to believe it. I've never really understood the notion of truly personal beliefs before. I'm kind of scared to take a step, because that step before has always been filled with recrimination and guilt and a form of self-loathing--ever hear the song "A Mighty Fortress is Our God"? I remember hearing someone once who had a parody of that, based, apparently, on my former notion of Christianity:
I come before Thy throne of grace
And throw myself upon my face
I know that I am but a worm,
So step on me, God, and watch me squirm.

It's kinda funny, but kinda not, because I know some people who could sing it with a straight face and find it very spiritual. I used to be one of them.