Divisions and Precisions

Sour grapes

Last night at Write Club, I was discussing my NaNoWriMo plans with Mer and Julie, just sort of verbally tracing some of the places I want the novel (tentatively titled Girls Who Wear Glasses) to go. At one point I mentioned that the main character will get out of a bad relationship and spend some time deliberately alone rather than diving into another relationship. I think it was Mer who said something about having her turn down the 'hero' of the piece for just that reason, because otherwise it might seem like she "decided" to be alone because she couldn't find anybody else. I'm paraphrasing terribly.

I completely know that Mer didn't direct that at me (the novel is hugely autobiographical, and I also decided to do the alone thing for a while), but it got me started thinking, particularly after the pseudo-argument my mom and I had last night. I wore makeup to my job interview, and after mentioning that it looked nice, she said, "You need to wear makeup more often, because you're getting to be of an age where you can't get away without it." Again, paraphrasing.

I had a mini-explosion of feminism all over her. I pointed out that no one would tell a 31 year old man that. To which she said, "Yeah, but no one would tell a 13 year old boy that either." Exactly, I say. I wear makeup when I want to. If the 31 year old man doesn't 'have to', then why should I? She seemed a little taken aback, but made a sort of retreat, commenting on me fighting the system. I may have given her something to think about. Of course, that something might be, "Wow, my daughter's weird."

But anyway, the conjunction of the two conversations got me started thinking. What if all my activist notions are just sour grapes? I've heard the derogatory comments about women who are feminists because they can't get a man--is that me? Am I single because I choose to be or because nobody wants me? Am I into fat acceptance because I know I'll never be thin? Or worse--because I'm too lazy to try to be thin? Is it the same with all my appearance issues, like makeup and leg shaving and all of that? Did I label laziness and sloppiness as feminism because it's easier that way?

Am I single because it's easier than trying to find love? I mean, you never get rejected if you don't put yourself out there, right? It's not that I'm totally uninterested in finding Mr. (or hell, Ms.) Right, it's just that there doesn't seem to be any real percentage in spending huge amounts of time and energy trying to track them down.

Am I just lazy? I don't think so. But right now I'm not sure. I feel like I'm calling this enormous portion of my life into question and I'm not really sure I want to answer those questions.