December 09, 1998
Colors
I keep starting journal entries and falling asleep in the middle of them. That's pretty sad, when your own writing makes you fall asleep. So, hopefully, at 3 in the afternoon, in the middle of a very brightly lit office, I can manage to actually finish my thoughts. Finish my thoughts. I should probably find them first, huh?
"The Messiah" on Sunday was just wonderful. I'd never heard the entire work before. The thing I really liked, actually, was to hear all this glorious music (the University Musical Society Choral Union is wonderful), most of it unfamiliar, with occasional snatches of pieces that are very well-known to me, such as the "Hallelujah" chorus, and a couple of the contralto pieces that I sang in college. It really made me miss singing. Serious singing, not screwing around to stuff on the radio. I'm kind of limited for how to pursue it again, but I'm definitely going to start looking. If nothing else, Chris wants the four of us to do some quartet work, which I would love. Problem is, Jo and I are both technically altos and Chris and Jeff are both technically tenors. Ah well, we could fake it, I think. Ooh, now there's a challenge... can Lisa go from singing tenor for years in Cynnabar's madrigal group to singing soprano in this quartet? We'll see, I guess.
Another late night phone conversation with Brand. He hasn't been around online much lately, mostly because of school stuff. It's funny how we can be so similar and so different. Here I am with only a couple years of college, and there he is, working on a doctorate in an extremely scholarly field (culture criticism, is that right?). I know I could have done that sort of thing as well, but my path just didn't take me there. And as I've said before, I'm not much for planning a path right now. I'm just following it. Also, I can't really see myself doing something so... distant, I think is the word I want. I'm the type to be more involved with people.
I was explaining to him about the quiz I was sent at work. One question was simply a list of colors. For each color, give the name of someone you associate with that color. I'll give you the list of colors and who I put for each one. Feel free to play along at home, if you want.
- Yellow - Jeff
- Orange - Jo
- Red - James
- White - Brand
- Green - Chris
The five people who are probably most important/influential to me right now. No great surprise there. Now. The meanings. Did you write down your own choices? Here goes...
- Yellow - somebody who will never forget you
- Orange - someone whom you can consider as your real friend
- Red - someone you really love
- White - your soulmate
- Green - a person whom you will always remember for the rest of your life
I found that to be very interesting. Of course, I can't vouch for Jeff never forgetting me, but other than that, it was pretty darn accurate. I'm not completely sure what to make of the fact that Hollingsworth's name didn't show up on that list at all. No, that's a lie. I do know what to make of it, I just don't like to think about it. It's funny. I spend a lot of time telling others about our situation, and I seem to be really self-aware. It's all on the surface. I'm really not spending much time thinking about this at all. It's like there's this enormous blank spot in my mind when I try to stop and really think about what ending this relationship means to me. There's a fog there, keeping me from thinking or feeling whatever it is I really think or feel about all this. That worries me. When I start repressing, that's when the trouble starts.
Of course, the other take on this is that I've either: a) already dealt with most of what this means to me, and there's nothing left, or b) it's just not time to deal with it yet. Right now, I'm focusing most of my energy on getting ready to move. Not in a physical preparation sense, but more of a mental preparation. I used to love our apartment, but now I just want out of it. I want to live by myself for a while. I know that will present a lot of new challenges, but I think I'm ready for it. Living by myself is something I've never done, and I admit to looking forward to it. It all goes back to another Little Red Riding Hood quote from Into the Woods, about feeling "excited, well, excited and scared."
That's me all over. Color me in shades of nervous anticipation. Posted by Lisa at December 9, 1998 03:10 PM
