April 08, 1999
A Day in the Life...
Speak Freely's April collab entry poses this question: If you could relive one single day in your life, what day would it be and what would you do differently? How do you think it would affect the way your life has been since that day?
I thought about this a lot. I even asked a couple coworkers what they thought. Jo's answer was interesting. "I wouldn't change anything, even the bad things, because I learned from all of it." That's about how I felt. I've gone through some awful things. But to change any of them would alter who I am now. I learned a lot from some of the worst things ever to happen to me. Jo and I also both agreed that we'd probably relive one of the bad days as opposed to one of the good days. Although I'm still thinking about that.
This whole thing has got me thinking... I've had some really memorable days, which is a good thing. I hated to realize how much of my life is a blur sometimes. I guess though, right now, the time I want most to relive is part of my trip to California about a month and a half ago (mentioned in journal entries Feburary 23, February 25, and February 26). Saturday, actually... February 27th of this year. Not a bad day. A memorable day.
The actual events were pretty tame, for the most part. It was just the whole... tone of the day. Brand and I wandered a bit, driving around the Northridge area. We were trying to find a theatre that was showing "Shakespeare in Love". Instead, we found one showing "Elizabeth", so we saw that. Later, we did find a theatre that was showing "Shakespeare in Love". The two make good companion movies. I recommend seeing them in that order. I didn't learn anything about myself, really (or if I did, I haven't realized it yet). I just had a good day, spent with someone I care about. We're both talkers, and we managed to ramble over a wide variety of subjects, from history to gaming to literature to psychology. It almost seems like that weekend was one long conversation, interrupted only by sleep and gaming (which is a conversation of sorts in and of itself).
Just being physically close to someone who already meant a great deal to me before the trip - it was wonderful. It's great to finally put a face and mannerisms to an already familiar voice and mind. That one day also contained nearly every worthwhile emotion there is. Joy, sorrow, hate, love, lust, fear... all of it. In one day, the good and the bad. I learned a lot of little factual things, and, painfully, I learned (or re-learned) how it feels when feelings in a relationship are not completely mutual. To anyone who knows me at all, it's no great surprise to learn that I do care about Brand in as much a romantic way as a platonic way. And I knew going into the trip that the feelings weren't exactly mutual. We've been very honest about our feelings, the three of us involved here. (Yes, there is a third person.) But you still hope. When we met, there was physical attraction, which only complicated things. I love him, and he loves me. I'm perfect as I am... as his best friend. I can deal with that. Just give me time.
What would I do differently? There are several things I would do differently, but most of it is nothing I would put here. I'm not sure what it would change. I don't think it would have changed much of anything... except that I wouldn't be left with a few "I should haves" and "I wish I hads".
Looking back, I chose this day because it feels complete somehow. Nothing was missing, really. Although, if I relived it... I think I'd wear shorts.
