Divisions and Precisions

Paranoia Strikes Deep

Well, it's the end of tax season today, which means several things. First, total rampant partying in Support. Our busy season is over! This makes us happy. There's so much food in the office today it's scary. Tomorrow we only work about half a day, plus there's a company-wide meeting to attend. It won't be so bad. And no more weekends, until next January.

Assuming I'm here next January. This leads to the other side of the coin. Performance reviews are also in the process of going on. I'm feeling completely and utterly paranoid. Mine's tomorrow, and a part of my brain is fairly certain I'm going to get fired. It's a long story. Back in August, I was put on probation, mostly for tardiness and absenteeism. It was kind of a tough summer in a lot of ways, and I knew there was a problem. I was given two months. I thought I had improved in that two months. October comes, and I'm told that I have improved, but not enough. We changed my schedule to the late shift every day. And I was put on six months of probation. That six months is up. My supervisor seems to be avoiding the whole topic of doing my review. I bring it up and he makes excuses. He's a nice guy, and he likes me. He wasn't here when all that stuff went down this summer. Every time the subject comes up, he goes and talks with his supervisor - who was here last summer, and was, in fact, the one to put me on probation.

So I'm paranoid. I just want to shake someone and say, "Look, if you're going to fire me, tell me now so I can at least start looking for another job!" This is probably also why I've been reconsidering moving out of my apartment. I'm scared to. What happens if I move to a new, more expensive apartment, and then wind up with no job? No way do I want to deal with that. Easier to just stay where I am. Ah well. What happens, happens.

Actually, I'm trying to make that my attitude about most things: whatever happens, happens. I'm trying. It's not easy. There are so many things I want to fight for. To fight about. To just plain fight. Inevitable things. Part of me thinks I could hold them back, if I could just find the right words, or do the right thing, or act the right way.

I can't.

There are some things that end up being almost carved in stone. I'm coming to realize just how much our emotions and our reactions to things are controlled by our perceptions. If we think we will feel a certain way, or that we will react a certain way... to whatever, then that's how we react or feel. Very often, we think ourselves into our feelings, for good or for bad. That's what I'm seeing now. Trying to stop it is like trying to stop a hurricane with a piece of plywood. The best I can do is hang on and shutter my windows.

The hatches are battened. This is going to be a rough month or so, I think.

I think. There. See how that works?

It's stuck in my head, and it's as moody as I am. Or moodier. So it's posted here. "Lovesong" by The Cure. Yeah, yeah, quit bitching. I could have posted "Pictures of You" instead.

whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel

like i am home again whenever i'm alone with

you you make me feel like i am whole again

whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel

like i am young again whenever i'm alone with

you you make me feel like i am fun again

however far away i will always love you however

long i stay i will always love you whatever

words i say i will always love you i will always

love you

whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel

like i am free again whenever i'm alone with

you you make me feel like i am clean again

however far away i will always love you however

long i stay i will always love you whatever

words i say i will always love you i will always

love you