Divisions and Precisions

I Don't Know Where I'm Goin', But I Sure Know Where I've Been...

Well, the good news is, I didn't get fired. And I got a decent review. Maybe there's hope for me yet. Now if I could just figure out what I want to do when I grow up...

I guess I'll just have to not grow up. This could be an option.

I'm very tired today. Some brilliant mind planned for a company-wide meeting this morning at 7:30 AM (?!), and I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night. Well, okay. I got bits of sleep between messages and poses on Emerald Dreams and New England: The Reckoning. I didn't play much last night... just hung around. I finally got to talk to Brand a little, though. I haven't seen much of him for the past two weeks. I was getting paranoid on that count, too. Paranoia comes much too easily lately. I miss him. And he goes to meet the infamous Third Party in about two weeks. I'm trying not to think about it.

Of course, I am anyway.

I've got the writing bug again... something is fluttering around in my head, batting at my brain with moth wings. It's not even clear if it's a poem or a story, but it wants to be something. I'd like to write something non-Changeling, but whenever I think about writing, that's what comes to my mind. I'm not good at developing ideas. I can run with someone else's. Sometimes one appears to me, nearly full-grown and I can take it and use it. But this tickling feeling that I'm having... I don't know what to do with it. Sadly, a lot of times it gets ignored until it goes away. I want to be brilliant. I know I could be brilliant... the seeds are there. I just don't know what to do with them. I have a horrible black thumb.

I get so pissed sometimes, thinking about my education. I never learned anything really useful in school - in elementary, middle and high school. I learned facts and concepts, yes... but I didn't learn how to really think. Because I was so smart as a child, I never had to work for anything intellectually. So I never learned how to work for anything. That's the biggest reason why I had such trouble in college. In college, things stopped coming so easily, and rather than stepping up and learning how to work... I crumbled and gave up. I'm afraid now that it's too late, and that I've wasted all that wonderful potential that I had - that I still have. I swear, I just want to call up a college and say, "Hi... do you have a course to teach highly intelligent but unmotivated people how to think and work like the rest of the world?"

Part of me is afraid they'd laugh.

The rest of me is afraid they actually have one.

Note: Gifted and Talented education programs don't do what they're supposed to. Or at least, the one in Howell, Michigan didn't.

I feel inept and uneducated and mentally lazy all of a sudden. Damn it, I'm going to write this afternoon.