July 09, 1999
Illusions die hard. Especially for the Queen of Long Held Illusions. I usually fight to keep my illusions alive, but sometimes I fail.
I finally realized the drawback to not being depressed. When you're depressed, yeah, you feel like shit, but you're blocked from feeling all the things that are real. All feelings are muffled, like you're swaddled in cotton wool.
Welcome to the fucking real world.
This morning I cried so hard I thought I was going to throw up. I can't honestly remember ever crying that hard before. I know it's not because I've never hurt this way before. It's just that I don't think I've ever really been hit with grief like that before, not and really allowed myself to feel it. Funny, right now I'd rather go back to everything being muffled. I've never heard myself make those kinds of sounds before: keening, choking, sobbing. It sounded like someone else. I wish it felt like someone else too. I wish it was her.
I am so stupid for hanging on this long. I KNEW, in my heart of hearts, what the reality of the situation was, and I held on anyway, hoping that things would change. God help me, part of me, deep inside, still doesn't want to let go. It still insists that the story can't end this way, that loving someone like this won't end like this. If this were a movie, it wouldn't. I'd go through just enough grieving to make the audience cry, then he'd show up on my doorstep with flowers, begging for forgiveness and telling me how wrong he was to ever think he didn't love me. Then the music would come up and we'd kiss, and live (presumably) happily ever after.
I hate movies.
And I don't believe in happily ever after anymore, either.
The last thing I want is to be here at work, playing nice on the phones. I can't be angry here, I can't rant and scream and cry. I'm so tired and I just want to be alone right now. I've got Nine Inch Nails going through my head. I wish I had the tape here at work with me. GOD, I need some sort of catharsis right now, or I'm going to go postal before the day is over.
i still recall the taste of my tears
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
scraping through my head 'til i don't want to sleep anymore
come on tell me
make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
make this all go away
you make this all go way
i just want something
i just want something i can never have