July 23, 1999
Epiphany
epiphany \E*piph"a*ny\, n. -- 1. An appearance, or a becoming manifest. 2. a divine manifestation
Where to begin. I'm exhausted. I was an hour late to work. I feel as if my entire existence was turned utterly and completely upside down.
I haven't been this happy in a long, long time.
Not bouncy, hyper sort of happy, although I was definitely giggly there for a while. Rather, I feel... calm. Centered. At peace. I want this to last. I have a feeling it will, simply due to the nature of the change itself.
I debated writing about this last night/this morning. In fact, when I got off the phone, my first instinct was to get up and start writing right then. Unfortunately, it was 8 am, and my body didn't cooperate. Just as well. It probably would have come across as the ravings of a sweaty-toothed madman or a wild-eyed mystic -- the latter might not be so far from the truth.
At the risk of fumbling my way through putting the spiritual into words, here goes. For months now (see December 9 and December 13), we've referred to each other as 'soulmates'. Saying something like that, and getting occasional metaphysical glimpses into what it really means was like... a flickering flashlight seen across a lake in the middle of the night.
Last night it was like someone (Someone, capital S?) turned on a halogen spotlight and turned it full on my existence. If you've been following the saga over the past couple weeks, you know that I've been really struggling with what Brand means to me and vice versa. Two weeks ago today, in fact, was the conversation from hell. There was one issue that we had left unresolved. One very major issue that both of us were pussyfooting around and ignoring: to be perfectly honest, there's always been a strong physical component to the link between us. And given the situation as a whole, that was only causing more conflict. We were either acting on it, or ignoring it completely. Last night we resolved it. At first, the conclusion we reached was one that neither of us especially liked, but that felt like the right thing.
(I got compared to crack. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. Addictive and deadly and cheap? Me? ;))
Decision made, stood by and validated... something happened. I realized last night that how you describe a spiritual experience, what terms you use, reflects your beliefs. Part of the reason, I think, that I'm so... wordless about all this. Brand, with his more Christian viewpoint, saw it as a confirmation from God that we were on the right track. I'm simplifying that a bit, I know, but that's the general idea. The closest I could come was to couch it in almost Eastern terms. Leaving part of our relationship unresolved was... a block on the spiritual energy we share. When the block dissolved, there was all of a sudden this dam-burst of energy that was able to flow free, for the first time ever.
Flashlight versus spotlight. The difference between professing to believe something is true, and finally experiencing the full force of that truth.
"Full of wonder. Full of awe. Full of an almost-fear. The face of woman who is seeing something she always longed for, but didn't dare even wish for, not in her deepest, most secret of hearts... Both the laughter and the tears are tinged with a slightly mystified, hysterical joy, the sound of a true believer who, after years of prayer and pleading, is allowed to witness a true miracle."
I wrote that. Months ago. It was, in fact part of the scene Brand and I played on Emerald Dreams, where Elathan got his wings back. Where he, ironically, experienced a spiritual reawakening. The wings were a symbol of that.
In case I haven't made it clear (and I'm afraid I haven't), I got my wings back last night.
"You've been my best friend forever. Literally," he said. No matter what words you use to describe it, it's true. Whether you think of it in terms of reincarnation, or in terms of two spirits that have simply always known one another, it doesn't matter. Words don't change what's there.
Once that block was gone, I began to realize more and more about myself spiritually. I saw the things I've been neglecting. I saw issues and ideas that I've been ignoring because of past prejudice. I realized that my 'pick and choose' idea of philosophy and spiritual beliefs will never work, unless I broaden my pickings, so to speak. What began as a reconciliation with someone who's as much a part of me as I am, ended as a, well... religious experience.
I'm still not sure what it all means. In the harsh light of day, I'm finding that I've lost as many things as I gained. More, in fact. I gained a gut-level, down-deep realization of who Brand is to me. I gained a new awareness of my own spiritual self. I lost so much more. A lot of confusion. A whole lot of jealousy toward his girlfriend. (The fact that I can sit here and describe Mo as his girlfriend without a flinch or a wince speaks volumes.) A lot of pain. I'm not so naive as to think that I'll never feel those things in this relationship again. I probably will. But the worst is long gone. Anything that comes along now will be from force of habit, as much as anything.
I love Brand as much as I have ever loved anyone or anything. The attachment there is so strong that it's a little scary to me. I suggested last night that I may (I'm still not sure about this one, it's hazy) have taken that feeling and attributed it all along to being 'in love', simply because I've never felt anything like this.
I don't know. I don't know if it matters much now. I haven't been this happy in a long, long time.
