Divisions and Precisions

Small Anxiety Attacks

My job is kicking my ass. In a big, big way. Today has left me feeling beaten into the ground. Common sense tells me that people can't all be jerks, that there's got to be something in my outlook today that's making things so unpleasant. It's not making it much easier.

I have neglected the world of late. When I haven't been at work, I've been curled up at home, usually either playing EverQuest or watching TV, now that I have cable TV again. I know it's not the best thing, but at this point, it's a survival mechanism. Hopefully this is the last week of seriously long days. I was sick for part of last week -- I got the flu for the first time in ages, and I know that has a lot to do with stress. Things have definitely been stress-intensive lately, and I tend to stay away from here when things are stress-intensive.

My new place is absolutely marvelous. I've been there a little over a week, and I have everything unpacked now -- almost. It's starting to feel like home, instead of this unsettled, unfamiliar place where I don't know where anything is or what to do next. Having some friends over (soon, I hope!) will also help that, I think.

But I'm still not myself. Stress does ugly things to me, not the least of which is that it makes me anxious and uncertain. Ironically (and comfortingly) one of the things I am not anxious about is the move I made. I feel very safe and comfortable in my apartment. Sometimes that's about the only place I feel safe and comfortable. I don't know how to explain this anxiety except that when I'm out and about, it's a constant feeling that doom is about to strike at any moment. That's exaggerating a little (this time -- I've felt that way before), but I mentally flinch a lot. I expect that I'm going to get yelled at or 'get in trouble'. You'd be amazed at how much, for an adult, I worry about getting in trouble. It's a little disturbing at times.

Another interesting side effect to the anxiety is that I get angry more often, and more irrationally. I tend to get angry at the things I feel anxious about. Therefore, if I feel anxious about something at work, I start to feel angry and defiant at my supervisors, which makes no sense, because there was no real reason to feel anxious in the first place. It's a weird cycle. It's a weird enough cycle that I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't be back in therapy again for a bit. Getting angry is a new reaction for me.

I am doing some new things to combat all of this. Tomorrow I'm starting a t'ai chi class here at work. I don't know how much exercise it is (although I hear it's quite a bit), but I know I could use something relaxing and meditative. I'm wanting to look more into the spiritual side of my life, and this may at least be a start.

I think Brand probably said it best online today: "[I am], as of now, telling self that will not curl up into a ball and die. Tomorrow must be better." That's about how I've felt at moments today. Tomorrow's got to be better.

Posted by Lisa at January 14, 2002 07:46 PM