Divisions and Precisions

Selfish

Last night I told Brand that I thought I was becoming a fundamentally selfish person. I don't really want any kids right now. I adore kids, and I love spending time with my friends' kids, but I don't want any of my own. To my surprise, I've discovered that I don't really want a romantic relationship right now, either. I dated for a little while, and it was fun, but I found that I really resented having to 'owe' part of my time to someone else. I got very tired of spending time with someone for the express purpose of 'getting to know them' as opposed to just, you know, hanging out. Too structured. Too tiring. I have too much else to do with my time.

I never ever thought you'd hear me honestly, rationally say, "No, I don't want romance right now." I mean, I've said it before, but usually only when I knew there was no chance in hell of it happening. Sort of a "well those grapes are probably sour anyway" thing. Now I know the grapes aren't sour at all -- but I don't want any more grapes, thank you. I have never, in my life, liked someone, known that they've liked me, but then stepped away from a relationship because that wasn't what I wanted. I've always had this feeling that I'd better grab it while I could, because who knew when the next sucker would come along.

The same thing with kids. I've always thought of having kids with this pained, wistful feeling, worried that I would never be able to have them, worried that I'd never have a baby of my own. I don't feel that anymore. (Well, not this week, at least.) I get to watch some great little ones grow up, and I even get to help with them a little, but at the end of the day, I get to go home, and they get to go home, and I'm done. The only person who makes demands on my time is me. Well okay, me and the large corporate entity I work for.

I'm discovering that I really and truly am my own person. And to my surprise, I like it. A lot. Most of the tension I've felt this past fall has come from feeling like I should do this, I should call this person, I should go here, I should... do a lot of things. And it wasn't even that I didn't want to do those things, but that I hated feeling obligated. Right now I don't want to be obligated to someone every single day. Except me.

Friends are different. Friends I can talk to everyday, interact on really important levels, even -- but when I need to, and when I want to, I can back off. I can go home. I can retreat. There isn't a feeling of obligation, because they know I'll be back, and they know they can reach me if they need me. A budding romance, just as an utterly random example, doesn't allow for that. There's an awkwardness in trying to find space, and trying to say, "Hey, I like you, but I don't want to see you." There's a fear of hurting someone, which creates an obligation all its own.

So, I'm a little selfish right now. At this point in time, I think it's true, and I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I've spent huge portions of my life devoted to other people: what they thought of me, what they expected of me, what they needed from me. It feels oddly liberating to be able to step back and say, "Okay, this is me and my space. Entry by invitation only." -- and mean it.

Maybe I'm just learning about my own independence. Or maybe I'm becoming something of a loner. Whatever it is, it feels right. It feels like this is where I need to be. I am content with my life this fall in a way that I don't know I've ever really felt before.

Now if I could just stop feeling guilty about it.

Posted by Lisa at December 18, 2001 12:32 PM