Divisions and Precisions

Plans of Mice and Men

I have been absolutely useless today. I had the best of intentions. I was going to finish up my Christmas shopping, I was going to clean my room and start packing some things up, I was going to write scads and scads on my novel. I was at least going to finish reading The Abduction Enigma. Instead I've read through two journal archives, took a colossal nap after sleeping late, and just generally farted around on the web.

It's been wonderful.

I can get stuck in a rut with days like this, but every once in a while, it's good to have one and to (try) not to feel guilty about it. (And the great thing about living alone, is that no one will give me the fisheye for staying in my nightgown until 3pm.)

Now I'm just trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of the evening. I'm half-afraid to try to go back to writing my novel. I've lost a good bit of momentum there, it's true. I also lost some of my good NaNoWriMo habits, and I've found myself stalling while writing, instead of just blazing ahead. I really want to finish the first draft by the end of December -- which gives me about nine days now. Nine days and moving to work around. I don't know how realistic that goal is. Come January, though, I have another project that I have to get started on, a Tribe 8 book due late February.

Of course, part of me insists that since I stayed home all day, I should go out tonight. Going out will no doubt involve ending up seeing Fellowship of the Ring for the third time. Right now, I'm refusing to be THAT geeky. I also haven't been to Starbucks in about a week, maybe I'll go there and write, without the distractions of the web and email to keep me from focusing. Saturday night, the good seats by the fireplace shouldn't be too crowded. Who wants to go study or read in Starbucks on a Saturday night on a holiday weekend? (Well, except for me, that is.)

It's funny. I don't remember always being a loner. I certainly wasn't in college (the first time). The only time I stayed in my dorm room was when I was sleeping, sick, or depressed. Or if it was after curfew. (Yes, we had a curfew. Yes, it was enforced. 11:30 on weeknights and 12 on weekends.) I guess it started when I got married, and really learned what depression was all about. Still, when I first moved back here to Michigan, and first got involved with the SCA, I was a social butterfly again.

Then came living with Hollingsworth, who's also a bit of a loner. Or was, last I knew. We definitely didn't go out with a group much, and we spent a lot of time at home. I don't know. Somewhere in there I decided staying home alone was better than being out and about with strangers and friends. Of course, the fact that most of my friends live an inconvenient distance away could be a factor here.

I'm rambling again, I know. I like my life right now. I'm largely content with it. I guess I'm just puzzled to see how it evolved into what it is. Am I the only one who looks back periodically, and sees specific moments where life took a left turn and things changed? I mean, I've spent far too much time over the past several years realizing where my choices got me. Fortunately, I'm happy with where they got me, but still... do other people spend so much time analyzing?

Part of it is because where I've ended up is so, so far away from where I ever saw myself being. After high school, I would have said that when I was thirty, I would be a high school English teacher, probably married with kids. When I got married, I would have said that at thirty I would be a high school choir director, or maybe a stay-at-home mom, depending on how Gary's career was going. I don't even try to predict where I'll end up now. Sure, I have dreams, but I've stopped saying, "By this age, I want to do this." Nothing in my life has turned out the way I planned it. This is not a bad thing. I've just learned not to plan too far in advance.

Posted by Lisa at December 22, 2001 04:41 PM