Divisions and Precisions

Recovered

I seem to have recovered from the death plague that had me in its vice-like talons all of last week. All that's left is a little bit of congestion and a froggy voice. Honestly, I've never been one to get sick often -- mostly just an annual sinus infection that usually segues into bronchitis, but this was the sickest I can remember being since I was a kid. Normally when I have the sinus thing, I'm just congested, boohoo. Last week I was feverish and weak and tired and just... sick. It wasn't pretty. I was an enormous baby about the whole thing. You know, it sucks to be sick and to live alone. That's the one thing I don't like about living alone. When you're sick, there's no one around to do stuff for you. But I survived, and I even had a cat to curl up on the couch with.

Yes, it's true. Pooka is out and about in the house. She spent most of the weekend in whatever room I was in -- usually the living room or the dining room/office. When I curled up on the couch, she was usually curled up with me, down near my feet. (I think I will bear the scars of her fascination with my feet for a very long time -- but I think she's getting used to me clipping her claws every time she scratches me.) She's still skittish, but she's starting to act like a normal cat, including pouncing on invisible objects and running through the house on a wild tear for no apparent reason at all.

I didn't have much time to think last week, but a lot of things happened, really. I resigned from my latest T8 book. From the reaction I got from the bigwigs at Dream Pod 9, I don't think the game is long for the publication world. In fact, if I had finished the book, I don't know that it would have seen publication. So, I'm free to work on other things. Now I just need to WORK on them.

I had a great lunch with my mom, the weekend before I got sick. We talked about a lot of things, and she admitted that she wasn't as worried about me living alone as she was at the beginning. That's when I realized something. The reason I moved in with my parents last year was (I thought) because I wanted to go back to school and couldn't see a way to do it alone. In truth, I moved back in with them because I felt helpless. I couldn't take care of my house, I couldn't take care of my cat, I couldn't take care of my bills, I couldn't do ANYTHING. Then I spent a year living with them, and gradually convincing myself that I was capable. And I was. I am. I feel so much more in control of my existence. Sounds pretty sad, really. It is. I feel very sad when I think about the last couple months in my last apartment. I don't think I was depressed, just... in a rut, I guess. Now I'm not, and I feel remarkably capable. Not quite sure where I want to go, but capable of getting there, when I decide.

Then, finally, I had a bit of a bombshell dropped on me. Last Sunday I went to dinner with Dawn and Jason (sans Justin, mom needed a break!) and Mike and Tracy, all of whom I already knew, and Matt, a member of our guild on EverQuest. (Shut up. Yes, I play EQ, and I have a guild, and I met one of them. Trust me, the game isn't known as EverCrack for nothing. It's addictive.) A good time was had by all, except those around us, who were no doubt frightened by our talk of killing monsters and retrieving corpses and looting and so on.

After dinner Dawn and Jason and I stood in the evil, brutal wind and chatted about things for a bit. As we started to separate, Jason looked at Dawn and said, "Did you want to ask her now?" Dawn said no, that she thought they'd wait. In the meantime, I'm going, "What? Ask me what?" Dawn said they had something to talk to me about, but they wanted to wait until we were somewhere more appropriate. Well by now, I was dying of curiosity, trying to figure out what on earth they could be talking about. We ended up sitting in their car, where they gave me the shock of my life.

"If something happens to both of us," they said, "we wanted to ask if you would consider taking Justin." I was floored. I'm still floored. Although I don't get to see him very often, I love that little boy more than I can express. He not only is part of two of the dearest people in the world to me, but I feel, in a way, that he's part of me as well, because I was there when he was born. That his parents trust me enough, believe in me enough, to consider me as a guardian... I'm awed. We talked about it for a while, about their reasons for choosing me over either set of grandparents, about how things have changed since they became parents. I told them I'd think about it. I have, and I am. I talked about it with my mom and with Brand. To both of them I said at one point, "Dawn and Jason are the absolute right people raise him. But if they can't, I can't bear the thought of anyone other than me raising him." Both my mom and Brand had the exact same response to that: "Then I think you have your answer right there." I think they're right, but I'm still thinking about it.

Posted by Lisa at March 18, 2002 10:10 AM