Divisions and Precisions

Baby Blues

As I said in the blog, I really didn't need to see this. Thanks trillions, Time Magazine. I didn't need reminding that I have a biological clock. I love my life. I know I've said that many times lately, and it's definitely true.

But.

Never have a child? Ever? I'm starting to realize that I have to prepare myself for that eventuality. I was pretty down about it last night. I adore children. I adore being a parent vicariously through Dawn and Jason. I want to hear about the first tooth and the first step and the first dirty word in front of grandma. I want to hear stories about unusual poo colors and late night screaming fits. Being there to help Dawn give birth to Justin was a revelation to me. I want that. I want to be a mother.

I decided several months back that if I was still single at age 35 I would consider going the single mom route. I figured that by then I would have finished my undergrad work at least, and might be a good financial position to have a child alone. Now I hear that even then it might not be a possibility.

Ironically, while I was sitting at my computer sighing over this news, my period started. (Of course, this could explain some of the moodiness.) I have, shall we say, issues in this area. Large ugly undiagnosed ones that have been dismissed as fat issues. Several of my immediate relatives have had problems too, with the exception of my grandma who was extremely fertile and had at least eight children. My mom had problems conceiving and carrying a baby to term. My aunts. My cousins. Me? I've never tried to get pregnant, but in all honesty I was not very careful about birth control for the entire 3 and a half years of my marriage. I found out after the fact that as sporadically as I took the Pill, I may as well not have taken it at all.

I'm afraid that once I am able to start trying, whether alone or with a partner, it'll be too late. I almost want to find out now, if there's a way to, whether or not I'm infertile. I just wish I knew. If I knew now that I'm destined to be everybody's aunt, then I could accept it and move on. On the one hand, I feel like a huge chunk of my existence will be missing if I'm never a mother. But on the other hand, when I stop to think about it, I can't picture myself as a mother. I don't see it in my future. That makes me feel very sad.

I won't mind

Sitting by your cradle,

Singing to you softly

Far into the night.

I won't mind

Playing peek-a-boo for hours

To see that look of wonder,

Wonder and delight.

Soon they'll be asking, "Where is Baby's nose?

Where is Baby's shoe? Where is Baby's hat?"

"Clever little boy," they'll say.

"Lizzie taught him that."

I won't mind

Reading you a story,

Quacking like a duck,

Chirping like a bird.

I won't mind

When you ask me to repeat it

'Til you can say it with me,

Knowing every word.

You needn't worry if there's chocolate on your hands,

Jelly on your face, porridge on my skirt.

Run to me and I'll be there

To hold you when you hurt.

They'll say, "Auntie Lizzie can't say no."

They'll say, "Auntie Lizzie's spoiling you."

They'll say, "Auntie Lizzie's wrapped around your finger."

I'll say, "Yes, it's true."

I won't mind

Knowing that your mother

Showers you with kisses

Bakes your favorite bread.

I won't mind

When I see your father lift you

And swing you to his shoulders

High above my head.

They may be busy--I can take you skating,

I can take you sledding, flying down the hill.

If they won't build a snowman,

Auntie Lizzie will.

They'll say, "Auntie Lizzie holds too tight."

They'll say, "Auntie Lizzie can't let go."

They'll say, "Auntie Lizzie's really not your aunt, anyway."

You'll say, "No, that isn't so."

In my heart

I will keep a secret,

Foolish little secret

Hidden from the rest.

In my dream

You're my own, my very own,

And I blanket with you love

As I hold to you my breast.

Lizzie, he's not yours,

Lizzie in his life, your part is very small.

But if one day a toy should break

Or maybe playing patty-cake

You call me Mama by mistake

I won't mind at all.

--"I Won't Mind", Annie Kessler & Libby Saines

Posted by Lisa at April 11, 2002 12:57 PM