Divisions and Precisions

Ego Bruising

First, the good news: I have a job now. It's a ten hour a week work study job, but it's money coming in, and that's a start. Classes are going pretty well, and I'm generally pretty happy with life.

Well okay. It's not that there's bad news, exactly. I received a minor smackdown in my Writing about Literature class. I got my first paper back tonight. I got a B-. I hadn't realized how truly arrogant I am about my intellectual capabilities until I saw that grade. My first thought was "I don't get B minuses in English!!" After looking over the paper, I realized that yes, yes I do, if I turn in a B- paper. I've gotten away with being supremely lazy with my papers in my other classes, and this time I can't do that. I suppose it's a wake up call I needed, but ouch.

I took another blow to my ego tonight as well, but this one wasn't one I needed. As class was starting, the professor made several announcements. One of them went something like this: "I wanted to remind everyone that this is a class where we'll be sharing a lot of disparate ideas on some controversial subjects, and we need to make sure we respect each other despite that. I feel like I need to address this because during the break last class period I heard some disrespectful comments regarding students who are overweight, and I wanted to make it clear that isn't acceptable, and goes against English Department policy." (It's true, every English class syllabus emphasizes that need for respect.)

Now, on the one hand, I was pleased to hear that this professor, at least, takes this particular policy seriously. On the other hand, while I'm not the only overweight person in my class, I'm definitely the largest, and I'm definitely the most vocal in class. So, paranoid or not, my logic is telling me that somebody was making fat jokes about me.

I had two reactions to this. At first, I was profoundly embarrassed, and wanted to sink under my desk. Coming on the heels of my B-, I felt like I should just sit in the corner and be quiet, so as not to attract any further attention to my fat self.

And then I got pissed.

How DARE someone try to shame me into silence. How dare someone dismiss my ideas and my knowledge and my thoughts simply because I'm fat. B- or no, I'm a valuable member of that class, and I make worthwhile contributions to the discussions.

I have never felt marginalized before, not intellectually, at least. Not as a woman, not as a fat person. Tonight I felt for the first time that someone might feel that my ideas lack worth simply because of my body size. Fuck that and fuck them.

I will not sit in the corner and try to be invisible. I will not be ashamed of who I am.

Posted by Lisa at September 23, 2002 10:29 PM