Divisions and Precisions

Review

So. I've been here before. Annual review in one hour. I hate this. I am always, always convinced that I suck. I'm sitting here getting myself all riled up over this. I shouldn't. Dave, our latest supervisor, is a cool guy, and I think he likes me. I'm certainly in a better position than I was last year, I think. Still, every year about this time, I start re-evaluating:

Do I still want to be here?

Well, not necessarily, but do I want to go anywhere else, either? Until I decide on a job that I'll actually care enough about to work hard on, I may as well stay here, vaguely apathetic but competent.

Why does that bother me so much?

Wasted potential. A fucking lot of wasted potential. Last tested, my IQ was 158. And what am I doing with it? Not a lot. I don't like being apathetic. Not this apathetic, at least. (And yet, I'm not apathetic, am I? I'm worried about this damn review!) I'm hitting another period of dissatisfaction. I do this, what, a couple times a year? Everything about my life sucks for a few weeks, then I pick up and go on -- usually with no changes made. I feel like I'm... on hold. Waiting.

What am I waiting for?

That's the $64,000 question, isn't it? I don't know. For a choir of angels to show up and sing me to my perfect job, my perfect career, my calling... for someone else to do the work to get me there. I am ambitionless. Nothing pulls at me as being worth struggling towards, worth fighting for. I'd rather sit here and play around. I'm... lazy. My idea of the perfect job right now is one that requires the least amount of work for the most amount of pay. I'm ashamed of that on some level.

What do I care about?

My friends. My family. My games. My... freedom. Freedom from caring about what happens here at work, really. When I leave work, work stays behind. Hell, even when I'm at work, it doesn't usually bother me or unduly stress me. I don't want a job where I'm so invested in it that it takes over my life. I listen to some friends of mine freak over their 'careers', and I can't help but think I'm glad I don't have to worry about that.

So why am I so bothered?

Thinking about it, I suppose that doesn't sound so horrible, really... God, what is this, the time of year or something? Also from last year: "My true self is elsewhere. In my writing, and my friends... but it bothers me that I can usually be complacent with that. Not content. If I was content, I wouldn't be writing this at all." As if I needed any further proof that my life goes in circles.

So what's it all come down to?

Am I an apathetic, lazy, typical Gen X slacker wasting her potential and screwing around? Or am I an 'alternately-directed', laid-back sorta chica who's doing what she wants to do and telling all the traditional values and expectations to go screw themselves? I don't know either.

I'm being summoned for my review. Back with results in a bit.

3:30 pm

(Cue ominous music.) Well, it's official. I Meet Job Requirements. All the way across the board. I'm apathetically competent. I feel much better about it now, though.

Seriously, Dave's probably the coolest supervisor I've had here. We came up with some ideas that might result in some additional challenges for me, without me having to give up my low-stress status.

Viva la Services Administration. Or something. Posted by Lisa at April 13, 2000 01:59 PM