January 07, 2000
I Am A Rock
Weepy and romantic again. Last night and the night before, at least. I went through my usual spinster rant to Mo, who was unimpressed. "I'm going to end up as the weird lady down the street with thirty cats!" I cried. "No, Lisa, you won't be the crazy cat lady, but you do need to get out more." Well, gee. What fun is it to rant at someone if they give you a practical solution?! :)Seriously, although it irritated me at the time, that probably was exactly what I needed to hear. She's right, of course. But Outside is so... outside. Inside feels better. I know I'm isolated from people in real life, and I know I've done it deliberately. I just can't figure out why. It's not agoraphobia. I've been there before, and this isn't it. part of me wants to chalk it up to getting used to living on my own. And I know that after a major life change (like moving away from Hollingsworth), I do have a tendency to shut myself away until I'm comfortable with who I've become. I could be doing that.
I must be almost there because I'm starting to chafe at my isolation.
What set me off the other night was listening to a radio program dedicated to love stories and songs and such. Really saccharine stuff, but sometimes I crave saccharine, apparently. So after listening to all this, a woman called in, and when the hostess asked, "So, who's the special person in your life?" she answered, "I don't have one, and that's why I called..." And the two of them went on to talk about how hard it can be to be single, etc, etc, etc... you've all heard this before. Then the hostess played "The Greatest Love of All", and I dunno, I just started bawling.
Right now, though, I'm fine. I have my online crush, and when I really stop and think about it, right now that's all I want. I don't even know if he reciprocates, but it doesn't matter. Not yet, at least.
I realized something today. I was training one of the new receptionists, and we were chatting about our lives, and ogling the good-looking guys we were with (and there are lot lately! All married, it seems, damn it). I said, "I'm really bad at being single." We laughed, but then I realized... I haven't been single in ten years. I started dating Gary when I was seventeen, we got married when I was nineteen. After I left him, when I was twenty-two, I almost immediately started dating Hollingsworth (albeit long distance). I moved away from Hollingsworth a few months ago. Granted we hadn't been dating for a while, but Brand was sorta tossed in there too. Not that I ever dated him, but I was so fixated on him that I may as well have been. Now, for the first time in ten years, there's nobody that I'm fixated on, nobody that I'm dating. Just me.
Jesus Christ. No wonder I'm going through an adjustment!
So that's it, I suppose. I've gone from constantly being with someone, in one fashion or another, to now, not ever being with anyone. Eventually the pendulum has to swing back toward the center.
Posted by Lisa at January 7, 2000 08:31 PM
