Divisions and Precisions

One-Third of My Life? Ha!

Yes, yes, welcome to the sleep deprivation part of our show. Today was much worse than usual, because yours truly did the infamous, "Well, I'm up this late, I may as well stay up all night!" routine at about 6 am. I can hear the comments now. Lisa, you're a twenty-seven year old woman. Why on earth would you stay up all night?

Well, because I'm a twenty-seven year old woman and because I can, for the most part. I never claimed to be a particularly mature twenty-seven year old, now did I? But mostly, because I was caught up in several projects and conversations, and didn't pay a lot of attention to the time until it was too late to do anything about it. My big project last night? The writing section of selkie.net. Feel free to poke around. Not all of the links work yet and not all of the sections are done the way I want them to be, but the feel is there. I love the way it turned out. I think I'm definitely getting the hang of this web design thing!

I also had a wonderful conversation with Brand last night -- er, this morning, about 9 am, I think. I was amused, because all of our soul-searching 'this is something I've wanted to talk to you about for a long time but never did' conversations take place right about at that time of day, after an entire night awake. I mentioned that, and he responded, "Well, that's because your defenses are all down then." Honestly, I didn't think I had many (any?) defenses where he's concerned.

I do, of course, but... it bothers me sometime -- or maybe worry is a better word. Brand is my friend. One of the best I've ever had. As much as I whined and wailed about it this summer, I know that a friend is all he'll ever be. But... I can't imagine getting seriously romantically involved with someone that I wasn't at least as close to. And I worry, from time to time, that I'll never be that close to someone I'm romantically interested in. That feels... empty sometimes. That I'll never have a true love. That I'll never have that one overwhelming, sweeps everything else away sort of romance. Because you have that sort of relationship with a soulmate.

And the one I believe is my soul-mate is... my friend. It feels so damn ungrateful at times, really. What am I bitching about? So many people go through their lives and never experience any sort of real connection to another person. I'm fortunate. I connect to people. I connect to A Person. I should be thanking all the Powers-That-Be for this.

And I do, but... sometimes... in the darkest part of my consciousness, there's a small cry: "If you were gonna give me this... why didn't you give me the whole stinking package?"

As if being a friend implies that something's missing from the relationship. That implication on my part bothers me as well.

Wow. I've wandered pretty far afield from the light-hearted bit on sleep dep that I was going to originally write. Brand's right about this much: my defenses are down, even here. I suppose if there's ever been anything weird you wanted to know about me, tonight's the night to ask it. Posted by Lisa at February 7, 2000 07:35 PM