August 26, 1999
On My Own, Here We Go...
Out and up much too late last night, but it was for a good reason: full moon ritual with Helix. These are some very good, very caring people. I'm glad I'm getting to know them. Of course, a combination of being outside and getting sweaty, being too tired, not drinking enough water, and drinking a little wine has left me feeling decidedly hungover today. (Hangovers are mostly dehydration, after all.) Then again, a 'hangover' for me is a small headache and lots of lethargy. I'm not a heavy drinker.
I started wearing a wrist brace yesterday. It's my left hand, and I didn't realize how much I type with my left hand! makes sense though, since the most often used letters (E, S, T, R, A, etc.) in the English language are on that side. I wonder who created the setup of our keyboards, and why they chose the letter arrangement they did. Not that it isn't nearly intuitive to me by now, but... Hm... Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a new research topic. (Addendum: took me all of five minutes to find this page. Explains everything.)
God, I'm sleepy. I went to meet with Nancy again today. Minor breakthrough, major work to do. I mentioned something Brand pointed out to me once. Since 1989, I have continually either been in a relationship, or been close to a relationship. I started dating Gary in October of '89, and when we split up in September of '94, Hollingsworth was there almost immediately. Once Hollingsworth and I started splitting, I was quick to look for a 'replacement' for him too. Being alone is not something I do well. I feel compelled somehow to always be in a relationship, or at least be fixated on another person, whether or not they return the sentiment. It's time to stop focusing outside myself where most things emotional are concerned.
Of course, that's like saying 'it's time to learn rocket science' to an aborigine. I'll get there, but I've got a lot to learn first. A lot of thinking to change.
I want to learn to be an entity complete unto myself. Not to see myself as an extension of someone else. Not to think of myself in terms of the state of my various relationships. Hollingsworth helped me move from a relationship where one of us couldn't sneeze without the other one to something a little more normal. But I still try to get too involved, too close.
I like the idea of being a full, complete person. There's an incredible attraction to it. A sense of power. A sense of maturity. Of course, the practical application here is that I'm trying to commit to being completely and utterly single for a while. No romantic relationships. No crushes. (That's the hard one.) No flirting? I don't know. Jeez.. where are the boundaries in this? What about friendships where I flirt? And how long do I keep it up? What if someone perfect comes along while I'm committed to this?
What if I talk myself out of this for a million different reasons?
Now I really have a reason to want to live alone. But at least now I have a project to keep me occupied until I do live alone. I'm tempted to hang a sign around my neck -- "Under Renovation".
Posted by Lisa at August 26, 1999 03:30 PM
