Divisions and Precisions

Goals

Life, it seems, is starting to resume its old rhythm. For a little bit, at least, then I start my new job. And school again. I'm torn. I'm somewhat less than excited about having all of my Saturdays tied up this semester (see Jason's comment on the blog -- bye bye gaming, at least in its normal format), but part of me thinks that a Saturday class, particularly one that doesn't start until 11:30, will in many ways be better than a night class. I'm also less than excited about dropping my T.S. Eliot class. I was really looking forward to that one. However, I emailed the professor yesterday to see when she'll be teaching it again, or if I can do it via independent study at some point. So there's still a little bit of hope. So, U.S. History instead of Western Civilization, and Literature 103 (Drama) instead of Literature 450.

My plans seem to constantly change. With my new job, it's going to take me so much longer to get through school, but at the same time, I'll be making more money, so I can probably pay tuition and still survive out on my own again. So I'm looking at moving out of my parents' house. Not next week, not next month -- I'm taking my time this time. The times I've "gone on my own again" in the past have been rushed and not well-planned out (i.e. "You're making me crazy! I'm moving out NOW!"). This time I'm setting goals and making longer-term plans than I usually do. I'm paying attention to details I haven't normally paid attention to (like, oh, how much MONEY I have vs. how much I need...). Right now I'm looking at moving back out next May or June. That will give me time to pay off some more bills, and save some more money. Money in my savings account -- that gets left in my savings account for more than a few weeks -- is a novel concept for me. And this might sound silly, but that will also get me back out on my own again before my thirtieth birthday. That's becoming a sore point with me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not freaking out about turning thirty (good thing, cause that birthday's still about ten months away!), but there are just certain things I'd like to have accomplished and/or under control by the time I reach that birthday.

Things I want or have wanted to do before I turn thirty:

• Finish my bachelor's degree. (Okay, so this one's not going to happen. Probably by thirty-five, though.)

• Have a "real" job that I'm not embarrassed to tell people about. (Done!)

• Be financially independent. (Done, thank god. I know I'm living with my parents, shut up. ;) Back in my early twenties I didn't think I'd ever get as far as I have.)

• Be financially stable -- yes, there is a difference. (Almost there. Almost.)

• Be happily married with children. (Yeah, giving this one a miss too. But I'm a crazy aunt!)

• Get published. (Done!)

• Go to Europe. (Probably not by the time I'm thirty, but it will happen.)

Those were the specific goals I've had, at least. The overall generalized goal is "be a grownup", which boils down to things like being responsible in terms of finances and things like, oh, housework. And I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I don't think I'll ever "grow up" completely. I wrote, a long time ago about the idea of post-adolescence. That's where I think I still am, and I may decide to stay here. I'll probably always have a love of roleplaying games and computer games -- which most people don't associate with "grownups". I'll probably always have a tendency to stay up too late and sleep in too much, but I can live with those things. They're part of who I am.

And that relates to a goal I didn't even know I had -- that I didn't have really -- but that I accomplished anyway. I know who I am. For that, I can thank my depression. I may not always be able to be rational about them, but I know my strengths and my weaknesses, I know where I stand, I know how my mind and motivations work, most of the time. At times I may seem overanalytical, but that's a sort of defense mechanism against a mind given to irrational emotional outbursts. It's like there's a part of my mind that's constantly checking up on things -- "How's it goin', guys? Are we in step with reality today?" Or even, "Aw, buck up, little camper! You're not really mad at Brand because he thinks you're a poopoohead, you just feel like a poopoohead because of your own insecurities! Which aren't even based in reality anyway! There, don't you feel better?" Okay, maybe it's not that simple, but you get the idea.

Right now, and for the past nine months or so, I've been at the point in my life where I'm re-evaluating a lot of stuff (in case you missed that), and really, setting new goals. Or at least looking to see how I've done with the old ones. Ironically, rather than feeling stifled by the fact that the big 3-0 is just around the New Year, I feel full of possibility. For a lot of reasons (not the least of which is my new job), I feel like doors are opening by the dozens in front of me right now. It's a heady feeling. Someone, please remind me of this when I'm sobbing over my birthday candles next July, will you? Posted by Lisa at August 31, 2001 09:33 AM