July 30, 1999
The Glamorous Life
Well, as you can see, I've gone to my new format, as promised. All of the links above should be correct, except I don't have an archive page up yet. And of course, the calendar at the left isn't correct, because I don't have the patience to code an entirely new calendar just for one entry. I'm really proud of how everything looks, but of course, any and all feedback is completely welcomed! I'm very new at all this design stuff.
This is sort of a transition for me. I almost feel as if I'm saying goodbye to Crossroads, and I guess in a way, I am. It was a beginning step. A place to try things out both in my writing and in my web building skills. But I'm leaving it up indefinitely, just in case there were entries that you especially wanted to re-read sometime. (Heh.) Also, I'm afraid I'd get booted from my webrings for not having any entries up. ;) It almost feels like I've moved into a new home. Everything's all clean and sparkly right now. I need to settle in and get the garbage out, make it more homelike.
Looking forward to another quiet weekend. Weekends have been pretty Hollingsworth-less lately (ow.. unintentional pun), usually he's been gone from Saturday afternoon/evening til Tuesday sometime. But he's only "sorta seeing someone". Jo called me on that the other day. I said almost that exactly, and I admit, I sounded pretty snarky. She said, "Why are you so upset about this? It's only going to make matters worse in the long run." I had to stop and think about it. I don't think I'm upset about him dating, or even about him spending weekends with her. Hell, I like having the house to myself. I guess it just bothers me that he's hemming and hawing about what this relationship actually is, the way he did with us. I guess some things really don't change. I honestly do want him to be happy though. And me too.
I'm supposed to be going to see "The Blair Witch Project" tonight sometime. I'm very psyched. I plan to be scared silly. Even better, I get to go see it with a group of witches. This should prove interesting.
Wednesday night I found my old journal, the one I kept on paper from about April 1995 to April 1997. I skimmed as much as I read. There's so much anger in that journal. Anger at myself, at Gary, at Hollingsworth... it seemed like, as I held that binder turned all those notebook pages that it was warm under by hands, still burning from that two year-old rage. That was at a time when I was just learning what it was like to feel angry again. Most of the time I couldn't even tell the object of my fury that I was upset. I sure could write about it, though. My handwriting changed, too, based on my mood. Anger didn't effect it, but I could tell by looking at a given entry if I was going through a depressive episode when I wrote it. Still toying with the idea of excerpting samples of it here, possibly scanning a page or two to show the handwriting difference. I thought it was pretty dramatic. I know I have a couple more journals lying around the house. My goal this weekend might be to dig them out and see what I find.
(Rational adult voice speaks up: You should concentrate more on digging out your room first..)
Of course, it's not like I ever listen to that voice anyway. And speaking of that. I got some amusing email today from Sheri with the subject line, "A Letter of Resignation". I didn't forward it to anyone because I thought some of it (most of it) had a rather unrealistic view of childhood as carefree and uncomplicated... BUT... the following seems like a good credo for me, right about now.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play dodge ball at recess and paint with watercolors in art.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day... I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So... here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause,
"Tag! You're it."
Ask most of the Changeling players you know (and unless you're one of them, I'll bet you don't know any, besides me), they'll tell you the secret. You don't need to be eight years old again to live a life like the one listed above. It's all a state of mind. The trick is not to care what others think or not to worry if you look silly. Look over to the left. Caitlin's got the right idea.
And next time you see a big puddle of rain, maybe... just maybe....
