June 02, 2000
Ch-Ch-Changes
I didn't fall off the face of the earth this week, really. It just feels like it. I submitted the book plan on Wednesday, and heard briefly back from the editor yesterday. It was nothing more than essentially "I got the file, here's a concern I had on the first skim through of it, you'll hear from me in detail soon." The concern she had was over the title and a name we were using to refer to one of the groups. Apparently it duplicates something already in existence in the game world. At first I was mildly disheartened by this. Brand pointed out to me though, that if all she finds wrong with it is the title, we're golden. He also pointed out she obviously found it worth a closer look after her initial skimming of it, which was very promising. I didn't think of it that way. So we'll see.
I was so encouraged by that outlook that I started working on the manuscript in earnest. Of four chapters I need to write, one was pretty much done already (it was what I'd submitted to her as a writing sample), and after last night, a second is half-finished. I wanted to work on the second a bit today, but I couldn't find my disk this morning to bring it in with me. I'm boggled, frankly. There just aren't that many places the damn thing could be, unless Max ate it while I slept. I traced my steps last night after I turned off the computer, and found nothing. I even looked in the refrigerator! Ah well, it'll turn up sooner or later, and if not, everything's saved on my hard drive.
I started therapy again in earnest yesterday. No real idea yet how well it's going to work out. This is my first experience with 'managed care' mental health treatment. The therapy I did with Nancy for so many years was very free-form and low-pressure in a lot of ways. What I'm doing now is very focused, driven, and goal-oriented. I understand the reasoning behind it, I'm just not sure yet that I like it. There's a lot of pressure for results in a short time. I do like the MSW I'm seeing. We figured out pretty quickly what areas I needed to work on. She seems to be more of a behaviorist than Nancy was. I had a bad experience with a behaviorist when I was in college, that was my first attempt to get help for depression as a matter of fact. The exchange went something like this:
Me: I don't know what's wrong, I can't get out of bed for classes, I'm crying all the time...And that was pretty much his answer for me. I can remember being so angry. 'Asshole, if it was that simple, I would have done that already!' College counselors. Feh. I hope they've improved in the decade since then. This is a little different though. Once I got over being so skittish at the idea of using cognitive-behavioral therapy, I started to see how it might work. Part of the reason I'm sort of dreading this now has to do with the fact that it is going to take some major changes on my part. And we all know by now how Lisa feels about change.
Him: Why aren't you going to classes?
Me: I don't know, I just can't seem to drag myself out of bed in the mornings.
Him: Well, I think you'll feel a lot better if you just drag yourself out of bed and go back to class.
But overall I feel good just lately. I'm starting to feel more in control of my life, which can't be a bad thing. Even better, I'm starting to let go of some of the things I can't control, and stop stressing over them.
Posted by Lisa at June 2, 2000 02:49 PM
