June 05, 2000
Rainy Days and Mondays
Oooh, a Carpenters reference. I'm evil, I am. My ex-father-in-law used to tell me I sang just like Karen Carpenter. I took it as a compliment at the time. I suppose I still would. I liked her voice, even if the stuff she sang was cheesy. Besides, it's Monday and it's raining.
I'm not especially down, however. My mood is in sort of a holding pattern, you might say. I'm hoping to hear for real about my book today, so I'm sort of on edge about that. I finished writing one of the chapters this weekend, so even if she doesn't want it, I've finished another story that I personally really like.
Big changes coming up for me, and not all of them I can talk about. I know, I know that's annoying as hell, but believe me, when I can talk about it publicly, I will. The other changes involve essentially restructuring my life, to remove some really bad habits. I've got a lot changing all at once, and I don't mind saying that I'm pretty nervous about it. Again, I'm facing having to act like a grownup. I haven't been terribly successful at it so far. I'm hoping this time will be the charm. (No, it's not the third time. I think I'm way past the third time.)
No, I'm not going to go into another rant about how evil I am and how irresponsible. That's another one of my changes, trying to let go of a lot of the negativity I focus on myself. I had a therapy appointment this morning, and it raised some old, old questions about myself. Questions that I still don't have the answer to. It's easy for me to say that I have low self-esteem, the question is why do I? That's the question I don't have the answer to, even as self-aware as I am. I have a lot of ideas, but most of those ideas point outside of myself. The idea here isn't for me to lay the blame for my esteem problems on some outside group of people. There has to be some reason I've clung to this negative image of myself for nearly 28 years.
If you have any ideas, drop me a line, seriously. Some of y'all know me better than I know me.
Posted by Lisa at June 5, 2000 02:03 PM
