June 15, 2000
Missing, Day Two
Max is still missing. Day two. Last night was rough. I felt horribly, awfully alone. This morning was rough. I finally broke down and cried while talking to Brand online. I miss him and I'm worried about him. I put up signs today and I'm calling the pound when they reopen this afternoon. When I get home, I'm checking with the neighbors. I left food and his cat carrier out. In short, I'm doing everything I can. I don't know if it will be enough.
I've thought about how I'm going to move on, if he never comes back. If I haven't found him by the time I move, I'm going to start thinking about getting a kitten from the pound. Maybe two. The idea of two kittens romping around my house makes me smile. It makes me feel a little better. I wonder about that, what it says about me that I want to replace Max so quickly if he's really gone for good. Does that mean I didn't love him that much after all? I don't think so. I hurt too much over losing him. I've been beating myself up for two days now. (I should have gotten him tags. I should have known he'd fall out of the window. I should have been a better/more responsible/perfect cat owner.) I just don't want to live without a cat or cats for too long. I need a fuzzy little critter or two to snuggle with and play with. That's one reason I'm so upset, aside from just missing Max for himself and his own unique qualities alone.
The worst part about this is not knowing. If I knew he was dead and was never coming back, yeah, that would be hard and horrible, but I'd know. If I knew that someone else had him and he was starting to be happy in his new home, I could deal. Although, if I found out who had him, I'd definitely go knocking on their door demanding my cat back. But I don't know. I don't know if I should talk about him in the past tense or the present tense or what.
I miss a lot of things. I miss him curling up in my lap when I'm on the computer. I miss him sleeping on my feet. I miss him walking up to the head of the bed when the alarm goes off to get some morning scritches. I miss him following me around the house. I miss him yowling at me to pet him as soon as I get home. I miss him biting my feet when I'm on long phone calls. I miss the way he used to always cuddle with me when I was sad or crying. I miss the way he twines around my legs when I'm in the kitchen, regardless of whether his bowl is empty, or even if I'm actually getting food. I miss the hyper spells, the nonsensical freakouts, the sprawling out in front of my path on his back with the 'love me!' expression on his face.
I miss my cat. I know I keep saying that. The next couple of days are going to be very very rough. Bear with me.
In happier news, after Olwen sent out an announcement that she'd started her own forum on Greenspun, I decided to reopen mine. I've been having fun on other journals' forums lately, so maybe I'll have as much fun with mine.
Posted by Lisa at June 15, 2000 01:41 PM