Divisions and Precisions

Okay, So I'm Moving -- When Do I Get to Stop?

Well, it's official. I'm moving in a week and a half. You'd never know it to look at my place. I'm going to be a busy, busy girl over the next couple of weeks. Oh, who am I kidding? I was already a busy, busy girl! It took me an hour to get my phone line transferred over, and I can't find any movers who are available that weekend, but other than that, things are peachy. I sent out a plaintive email to everyone I know begging for help moving. We'll see what happens. I offered to feed the movers and offered my firstborn, if I ever had one. (Although I didn't offer to feed them my firstborn. Hrm.) The only response so far was an offer to help conceive said firstborn, but that's another story for another day (to steal shamelessly from SecraTerri.)

I'm feeling more than a bit loopy at the moment. I have more to do than I know how to do, but instead of making me stressed, it's making me feel exhilarated. Maybe it was the walk I took earlier today. I don't know. Yes, yes, once again I'm trying to make some changes to my basic very unhealthy habits. Please note that I did not say 'diet' or anything related to that. I just realized today on my walk that I'm less out of shape than I was the last time I move, and that's a trend I'd like to see continue. I stumbled onto a new journal a bit ago, and the entry from June 18 really really spoke to me on this particular issue. I could have written it, in a lot of ways. I don't usually quote huge chunks of entries here, but this is so me it hurts:

You know what else, though? I think it's scary to really contemplate changing myself that much.

So much of who I am, so much of the personality I've built up, has its basis in being overweight. That is not all I am, but it is a significant part --

I want to pause here and say: Fuck, this is hard to write. Fuck! I need to, though. I know I'm repeating some of what you longtime readers have seen before. This is the hardest major issue in my life. I stopped writing about it for a long time because I never said anything new. I've had some time to stew, though.

-- of me. I know my parameters, both physically and mentally, when it comes to physicality. I know what reactions to expect from people. I know how to dress for my body. I have all of these loops in my brain that help me cope with the fact that I am fat. I quite possibly even measure how much I can trust people by how quickly they judge people based on physical appearance.

I really need to drop her a note about that.

In other news, I started writing my book again, yay me. I cranked out three whole paragraphs yesterday, paragraphs that suck, but are complete nonetheless. Today has been too crazed with moving plans for me to even think about concentrating on my fictional little world, unfortunately. Oy, and then there's my Changeling game to plan for and my Tribe 8 game this weekend... Someone remind me, quick: why did I want to run two different games?

I miss roleplaying. I used to roleplay online every single day, just about. Now I can't seem to work up the energy to do it more than once a week or so. It's not that I'm burnt out, I don't think. I think I've gotten pickier about who I want to play with and what sorts of scenes I want to do. When I first discovered MUSHing, I'd play with anybody and do any scene, no matter how pointless. Now I want exciting scenes with a good storyline and to play with someone who's a good writer. My standards went up. I suppose that makes me a snob. Ah well. I miss playing more often though. Posted by Lisa at June 21, 2000 06:51 PM