October 19, 2000
Mood Slip
Well, here I am, with my stomach hurting from eating too much. Was it because everything at dinner was so good that I just couldn't turn it down? No. It was because I didn't eat all day, and when I finally did eat dinner, I was upset about a few things, so I ate and ate and ate... and pretty soon I wasn't upset anymore. Except it didn't quite work that way. Now I'm sitting here upset for eating myself sick to avoid feeling. I haven't done that in a long time. (Of course I've got an eating disorder, even I know my body size isn't just because of genetics and such.) When things were at their worst, I used to joke that I was half-bulimic or that I was a lazy bulimic -- binging but no purging. That's not exactly true. I don't binge, I just overeat, and there is a difference. In any case, I feel awful, emotionally and physically.
I hate the month of October with a passion. I don't know why, but every October since 1994 I've spent fighting depression hard, and often losing. I've never really looked into why that is, if it's just situational or if there could be something physiological about the change in the seasons or if it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point.
What was the trigger this time? Max is sick. When I'm already a little fragile, I don't deal well with emergency situations at all. I'm not sure exactly what's wrong, save that something's hurting his tummy too and he's got diarrhea. He keeps coming to me for comfort and I keep wanting to push him away because he stinks. I'm taking him to the vet in the morning, because the emergency vet said he didn't have to come in tonight. I feel like the world's shittiest cat owner right now, because I can't help him or comfort him -- I just don't have the resources for it right now.
I still have some Klonopin in my bathroom cabinet. I'm debating taking one, because for the second time tonight, I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack -- which was what triggered the overeating to begin with. Max is in pain and I can't do anything about it, and it's freaking me out a little. I can never ever have kids, because I don't think I'm equipped to deal with it.
I feel like I'm made of spun glass right now and I'm about to shatter.
(Before anyone calls me or sends me worried email, I'll be fine in the morning, I know I will. Right now I think I'm just going to go to bed and try to sleep -- and hopefully not have the horrid dreams I had last night.)
Posted by Lisa at October 19, 2000 10:25 PM
