October 19, 1999
Torch
I keep wondering how long I'm going to go on about this. How long does a torch burn before it finally flickers and goes out? How many tears does it take to put it out? That's so melodramatic, and I hate it.
I hate it when I do this. I hate having to write about things when I know the people involved are reading. I'm sorry if this hurts either of you. I'm driving myself crazy. I just want to stop. I love him. I try and I try to stop. I try to tell myself that I don't, that he's just my friend. Then when she's around, sometimes, my stomach burns and my words turn twisted and green and purple, roiling clouds in front of my eyes.
And then I know that I'm really not over it. I hate jealousy. I hate it. These people are my friends and I care very much about them both... why can't I just be happy for them? Sometimes all I can think about is what I could have had. There are times when he and I seem so close that it seems like, for a little while, that maybe I do have it... then something happens that shatters the illusion.
I obsess. I whine when I feel ignored. I pout. I cry. I despise that weak, sniveling side of me. Crying isn't going to change anything, so why can't I stop?
I find myself doing things like dwelling on his flaws. "Well look, that's wrong and that's wrong, and that'd probably drive you absolutely nuts..." and it all comes down to five little words: "You're better off without him." It's just too bad that I can never make myself believe it. I know sour grapes when I see them.
I think the thing that drives me the most insane was that I had a chance. There was a time when he thought it might have been me that he loved. He tried to decide how he felt about two of us. He almost fell in love with me, I think. Sometimes I find myself obsessing over 'what did I wrong' or even just 'what was wrong with me'. Logically I know that's crap. It doesn't work that way. He just didn't love me that way and that's all there was to it.
But that's even worse. It'd be easier if I could point to something and blame it for my loss, for my hurt. I tried blaming her for a while, but I know now that even without her, the feelings still wouldn't be there on his side. There's nothing to blame, except just the intangible whatever that makes one person love another.
I am in such denial about all of this. Even now a little voice inside me wants to hold on, wants to hope. He'll be back, it says, you'll see. You're the one he really loves, he just doesn't know it yet.
I don't know whether to wish the voice away or believe in it.
I love him. It's that simple. It's not going away, so I have to learn how to deal with it.
If either of you read this, I'm sorry. I'm trying. I don't want to hurt either of you. I'm trying to find my way through this without hurting anyone, and without driving myself crazy.
Posted by Lisa at October 19, 1999 01:12 AM
