October 30, 2000
Never Boring
Oy. Well, like I wrote Dawn earlier: My life is never boring.
I made a painful realization this morning as I looked over my paystub. I don't make enough money. Each month (yeah, I get paid once a month) I wait for payday, thinking "THIS time it'll be okay and everything will work out." Every once in a while, it does. Most of the time, there's panic and bill-juggling and threats of utilities being turned off. I don't live extravagantly. My big vices are phone calls and internet fees, which just aren't the difference between what I make and what I owe. I just don't make enough money.
My first thought was "Well, I'm going to have to get a second job." And I may still have to for a bit. I realized, however, that that's a temporary solution. The first permanent solution to suggest itself was to look for another full-time job. I spent most of the morning looking around for what's out there. I've looked off and on for a few months now.
There came another painful realization. All of the jobs I want to do, that pay enough for me to live on, require something I don't have: a degree. Logical conclusion: I need to go back to school. Error in logic there: I can't afford to pay my bills, how the heck can I afford school? For various and sundry reasons, financial aid isn't an option for me right now, although it might be in the future (translation: I screwed up and made some mistakes when I was in school).
Then I remembered a conversation my mom and I had a few weeks ago. She offered to let me come live in a fairly detached part of her and my stepdad's house for less rent than I'm paying now by far. I hesitated for several reasons, mostly because it came down to me not wanting to be a 28 year old who lives with her parents, rent or no. However, a 28 year old who lives with her parents while working and paying her way through school? That I can deal with.
I know this will be hard, on so many different levels. Living with my family. My work schedule here would be a pain in the ass. Living with my family. Trying to get back into the swing of full-time (or nearly full-time) school. Living with my family. Being an older 'non-traditional' student. Did I mention living with my family?
But I want to do this. I've put it off and put it off, thinking there was no way to do it, thinking that I didn't know what I wanted to study anyway, so why bother? It's time I got off my ass, though. I've spent enough time figuring out who I am and resolving a lot of those issues. It's time that I got out and did something with what I've learned about myself.
Aside from all the financial issues, I just want to learn. I'm tired of being immensely intelligent and vastly undereducated. I've come a long way, reading and educating myself, but I want to be in school.
Watch this space for updates. Dear God in heaven... I might be moving again soon... *whimper*
Posted by Lisa at October 30, 2000 03:57 PM
