October 31, 1999
Sanctuary
I've tried to write twice since Friday, both entries got abandoned. Either I was too tired, or I couldn't think of anything to say that I haven't already said a million times. I was boring myself trying to write it all again. It was very frustrating. I craved the process, the sitting down at the computer and letting words and thoughts and feelings come off my fingertips. My muse (if you want to call it that), however, seemed to be taking a sabbatical. Although, truth be told, I had plenty I wanted to talk about last night, and couldn't because I was so tired. I was up at 8 am (yes on a Saturday, isn't that barbaric?), cleaning house. I'm still in awe at how domestic I've become. I was dancing around the house to The Lion King soundtrack, mopping the floors in time to "I Just Can't Wait to Be King", and doing dishes to "Hakuna Matata". Stop smirking. It was fun.
Then Dawn and Jason and Alex came over to play Changeling. And that was just all sorts of fun on several levels. First off, I got to show off my house to someone other than my mom. (My fully cleaned and Disney-ized house, mind you.) Dawn and Jason have seen me in almost every place I've lived in Michigan. It almost isn't home until they've come over at least once.
Before Dawn and Jason got there, Alex and I had almost two hours to talk, since he was a little early and they were a little late. He and his wife are friends of Dawn and Jason's from college, and I'd only met him twice before (the first time was when he played with us for the first time). It was a little awkward at first, but gamers that we are, we started exchanging gaming stories and all was well. (I should explain for non-gamers. When two or more RPG players get together, talk inevitably turns to games and to "there was this time when this happened and it was so cool" or "I had a character once who...")
The game itself went better than I'd hoped. (Doesn't it always?) I keep forgetting how much I really love running this game. It's not nearly as high-pressure as I think it's going to be, every single time. It usually takes me a little bit to get going, but once I do, things go well. Basically what we're doing is telling one overarcing story made up of smaller stories (which are the individual sessions). Sort of like a serial TV series, like Babylon 5. I'm sort of the director and I provide the story outlines and additional characters, and the three of them provide the main characters. In our game, the three of them are faeries in the modern world who get to deal with all sorts of problems, from solving a chemical dumping mystery to keeping on the good side of their superiors (both mortal and fae). It's a long way from the 'let's go kill monsters' mentality of games like Dungeons and Dragons. Don't get me wrong. D&D-type games can be fun -- I'm playing in one with another group -- but I couldn't run one.
Every time we play, I end up feeling very satisfied with myself. I end up realizing that, after about five years of playing RPGs and thinking 'wow, I could never run a game', that I can, in fact, run one, and run one well. I'm pretty proud of that fact. Now, if I could just remember that the night before the next session, when I'm freaking out and convinced that I'm going to suck...
I realized today that I've been living here for only three weeks. It seems like a lot longer than that. I've gotten so comfortable here. It's hard to describe how it felt to wake up this morning and just be at home. To have a whole day to spend however I wanted. Granted, I do have some things I need to do elsewhere today, but the lure of my home is tempting me to blow them off and just stay here. Don't get me wrong. I've been known to be reclusive before, especially when I'm seriously depressed. This is a different feeling. This isn't a hiding from the world. This is realizing that I have a sanctuary, somewhere that's mine and mine alone. And, oddly, rather than wanting to hide there from everyone, I want to bring everyone important to me into my sanctuary with me. I want my sanctuary to be a sanctuary for others I love.
I have never felt this way before, but I've always wanted to. And that is utter bliss. Not a bad way to start a new year.
Posted by Lisa at October 31, 1999 11:46 AM
