September 06, 2001
Table for One
I shouldn't have done it. I know I shouldn't have. I watched the wedding on the Today show yesterday.
Partly, I was intrigued by the idea, of letting hundreds of thousands of people vote on every aspect of your wedding. Of making something ordinarily very private and personal a public forum, openly soliciting the advice and comments of strangers. Sort of like having an online journal, only without the bitching about the Diarist.Net Awards every quarter. But also, largely, I was sentimental about the whole idea.
Did I cry? What do you think? Okay, I wasn't blubbering or anything, but there were a few tears. I found myself feeling a little bit sorry for myself. I kept thinking about marriage, and what makes a couple work, and I realized (again) just how woefully unready I was to get married ten years ago. I also realized how ready I am now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not turning into a marriage-hungry spinster ready to clobber the next eligible man she sees over the head -- yet. I am getting awfully tired of being single, though. I've reached that stage in my life where almost all of my close friends are either married or seriously involved. Even beyond my personal feelings, it's hard not to feel a little bit of pressure from that.
I know I have a lot to offer to that "someone special" (gack, I hate that phrase). The problem seems to be meeting someone who will appreciate me -- that I can appreciate in return. See, in addition to everything else, I'm picky. I went through a desperate 'not-picky' stage when I was 22 or so. It wasn't pretty. Ask me sometime how I almost wound up dating one of Ypsilanti's minor drug dealers. (Yeah, me. The closest I've come to doing drugs is inhaling pot fumes at concerts.) Some of my exes could fill a veritable who's who of the socially inept and emotionally troubled. I'd like to avoid that. I'd also like to avoid geniuses with unfulfilled potential who are drifting aimlessly (i.e. Gary and Hollingsworth). The problem is, I have a weakness for ambitionless genius.
And then there's kids. I know I'm not really ready to support a child, but sometimes I'm so jealous of my friends with kids. Matters were not helped this weekend, when someone at the family reunion asked my mom if she had any grandkids. "No," she sighed. "None yet." I looked at her and made some smart remark about getting to work on that, and everyone laughed, but really, it stung a little. That's the first time she's said anything outright about wanting me to have kids. Oh, she's hinted before, things like, "I just want to see you settled down", and when Dawn and Jason had Justin, she asked to be an honorary grandma.
There are, of course, several problems involved here. First of all, how does a relationship and a family fit into my plans? Will I give up one for the other? I'm just reaching a point where I have plans (even if they seem to be shifting, more on that another day), am I ready to just toss them all aside for a family? *sigh* I'm being pulled in so many different directions right now, but when it really comes down to it, I'm lonely. Being completely independent is losing some of its charm.
Posted by Lisa at September 6, 2001 02:38 PM
