September 13, 2000
This Entry Brought to You by Dr. Bronner's 'Magic Soap'! OK!
Whew. I don't know how many more days like this I can take. In short, we are understaffed. A lot. In a big big way. As in, if any of you are in southeast Michigan and are looking for an administrative office-type position and you don't mind being on the phones a lot, email me your resume. I'm not kidding. Save me from this insanity. Remember the journal entry where I talked about getting 400 calls? How amazing that was? I've taken at least that many calls every day this week. Most of last week too. I'll probably even get there today. One day last week I had nearly 600 calls. That's insanity, folks.
Lately it hasn't even been a question of whether or not I've felt like writing a journal entry from work, I just haven't been able to. Even I can't multitask that handily. When I get home, I've been so drained that all I've felt like doing is staring blankly at a screen, usually the computer, but sometimes the TV. For you Changeling players out there, that's how banality sucks you dry. Right there.
Okay. I've seen my share of insanity on the web (anyone remember the Stadium Pal?), but this has to absolutely take the cake. Go to this page, which talks about the history of Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps. Don't read it. Go to the bottom, which lets you view .pdf files of the labels that come on the soap. Look at them. Magnify them if you have to. According to Doc Bronner and his almond soap, Confucius say, "2nd, every body in God's tremendous Universe must eat or there is no body! To shine on, eat must even the sun, consuming every second 4 million metric ton! To shine on, eat must even the sun! Exceptions eternally? Absolute none!" Also attributed to Confucius (or possibly Mohammed), "5th, only constructive working men have built all civilization & everything good that's in it! Intolerant parasites, in order to eat, must dominate-dictate-distort-dilute-destroy-smear-slay-slander-cheat or they won't eat! Exceptions eternally? Absolute none!"
More modern thinkers jumped on Doc Bronner's bandwagon too. This is attributed to Noah Webster on the peppermint soap label: "Americanism is the knowledge of, the loyalty inspiration or attachment to the 'Army of Principles of All-One-God-Faith', That lightning-like unite the Human race! For we're all-one or none! Exceptions eternally? Absolute None!" I somehow don't think that's a precise quote. And this just in from Abraham Lincoln: "We can no longer live half-slave, half-free! We unite the Human race in All-One-God-Faith or perish by half-true hate! For we're All-One or None!"
I'm not making this up, y'all. Go read for yourselves. Even the non-preachy bits are freaky: "Warning! Keep Out of Eyes! Wash Out with Water! Don't Drink Soap! Dilute! Dilute! or Wet Skin Well! OK!" Finally, I leave you with the instructions for how to use Dr. Bronner's Magic Peppermint Soap: "Enjoy only 2 cosmetics, enough sleep & Dr. Bronner's 'Magic Soap' to clean body-mind-soul-spirit instantly uniting One! All-One! Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! For facial packs, scalp & soothing body rub, add dash on bath towel in sink of hot water. Wring out. Lay over face & scalp Massage with fingertips. Repeat 3 or 4 times 'til arms, legs & all are rubbed, always towards the heart. Rinse towel in plain hot water and massage again. Breathe deeply! Health is Wealth. Within 9 minutes you feel fresh, mint-clean, saving 90% of your hot water and soap, ready to help teach the whole Human race the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith! For We're All-One or none! ALL-ONE! ALL-ONE! ALL-" Yup. The label cuts off there. You can guess where it was going, I'm sure.
Finally I leave you with this tidbit from the history page about "an amazing story about [Dr. Bronner] from when he was placed against his will in an insane asylum in Elgin, Illinois for six months before he escaped, but not before suffering several electric-shock treatments." Explains a lot, no?
Doc Bronner scares me.
Posted by Lisa at September 13, 2000 03:15 PM
