September 15, 1999
Rants All Around
My mother is not supposed to know me that well, damn it. She called about half an hour ago and said I sounded down. I told her I wasn't, although she knew better, just because it isn't anything I can explain. It's just funky mood swings and unpleasant realizations. Nothing that talking will solve, nothing that telling people about will solve. (Very funny, Lisa. So why are you writing about it? Good question.)
Letting go is not an action. Letting go is a process. It's a process I suck at. I think I suck at it partly because I keep forgetting that it's a process and not at action. I 'let go' of an action or a feeling or a thought or a habit and always without fail think that I'm done with it. And then each time, when I stumble back over the same thought or feeling or habit, I get the same dumb look on my face, wondering 'How'd I end up back here again? I thought I was over this!'
So the process starts all over again. And I end up having the same dumb thoughts about myself that aren't true and I know they aren't true, but I have them anyway. I know life is a constant cycle, but there's a difference between a cycle and a vicious circle.
5:31 pm
Hollingsworth wants to know if his future roommate can live with us for the month of October. I just get SO many bad feelings about that. Especially if it ends up being his girlfriend. There's no way in hell I'm living with that. And if that is what he's asking me, I'm going to beat him over the head. Please God, tell me he's not that insensitive. Part of me is really afraid that he is. (For the record, I'm talking to him currently via ICQ. Waiting for a response to "So who is this person you want to live with us?")
If all goes well, it would probably be for less than a month, but still... I don't think I need that sort of stress. Really. Living with him is hard enough right now, much less living with a total stranger.
Damn ICQ anyway. Apparently Hollingsworth got booted before he could answer me. That's okay. I know what my answer will be. Absolutely not. I'm tempted, for money reasons, but there's no way I want to live with someone I don't know while I'm busy trying to get myself moved.
There. I've had my rant for the day and I feel much better.
One would think, looking over my journal entries, that I spend a great deal of time pissed off or depressed. I honestly don't. Writing comes easier to me when I'm upset. Well, journal writing does, anyway. With a few exceptions, I actually think I'm pretty happy most of the time. I'm known around work as being about the easiest person to make laugh ever. I get the giggles a lot. I'm renowned for getting the giggles while talking to a customer and having to gasp out "Please hold!" before collapsing into a breathless pile. Sometimes I don't even make it that far and the poor person just gets put on hold.
I laugh a lot. I smile a lot. I read things that make me grin and I want to share them. I get passionately involved in a discussion or something I'm writing.
I don't wander around constantly whining about how much I suck. Really.
Mood swing alert. Hollingsworth came back.
Me: So who is this person?Wednesday is, in fact, his new girlfriend. I simply cannot believe that he doesn't get how crass that was. He mentioned that he lived with me and my old roommate when he first moved here from Philadelphia. My response: "Sharon wasn't my ex." He hasn't responded to that yet.
H.: Her name is Wednesday. She currently lives near EMU.
Me: I don't think that would be a very good idea at all.
H.: No? Why not?
Me: I think it would be a little too stressful to try and live with someone I don't know while I'm in the process of trying to move.
H.: Well, OK...I hope you change your mind, though. She could really use the help. You wouldn't believe all the stuff this guy pulls on her.
Me: I'm sorry about that, but I don't think it would be a good idea.
Me: Do you see the difference? Do you get why asking me that was so crass? You're asking me, your ex-gf, if your current gf can come live with me. Do you see why I might find that upsetting?I just want this to be over. I feel sick. Posted by Lisa at September 15, 1999 02:59 PM
H: Lisa, if you'd asked me, I would have said it was fine. I'm your EX. I no longer have any say or weight in what you do. We're just friends now. As a friend, I would've been happy to help you out.
Me: I guess I just suck as a friend then. Sorry.
