September 28, 1999
I Lose
What a remarkable roller-coaster of a day.
I started the process of applying to buy Sheri's mobile home today. My mom agreed to co-sign if I need it. What I may end up doing instead is renting it from Sheri for a little bit to give me time to come up with a down payment and to make sure this is what I want to do. If the mobile home park agrees to that. If they don't, then I try to buy it. If that falls through, I heard from the apartment complex I applied to today, and I was accepted there. So no matter what, I have a place to live. I should know by the end of the week where that place is.
I went out to look at the mobile home today (funny how I'm resisting calling it a 'trailer') and to get the application package from the park. I couldn't go in the trailer (there, I did it), and won't be able to until Friday or so. The park is really nice though, and so is my potential yard. The biggest problem, I think, is that it doubles my commute to work. I'm about 15 miles from work now, if I move into the trailer it'll be 30. That's not outrageous or anything, but it's something to think about.
That was the good part of my day.
My options for dealing with Hollingsworth and Wednesday have all but vanished. According to the apartment complex, he can keep her there for up to two weeks legally. The bastard won't tell me her last name, so I have no way of getting a personal protection order against her. When he moves her in, my option is pretty much to just call the police, and even that would just be as a way to cause trouble. The police wouldn't actually do anything probably, except tell me to go somewhere else if I was so bothered. So once again, I'm stuck. My best option right now is to get the hell out as soon as I possibly can. And hope that Max bites her or pisses on her in the meantime. I wonder if I can train him to do that. I've got a few days still.
I'm trying not to stress about this. I just want to scream and cry and rage, but that seems useless. What would it accomplish? Even if I do, I'm still going to end up with a strange woman living in my apartment come this Friday. Somehow I knew it would come to this. Seems like the times when I do have enough determination to fight, there's nothing I can do. So whatever. It's easier to just not care. And people wonder why I spend so much time acting like a doormat. Get walked over enough times and you start to believe it. Right now I'm trying not to believe it, I really am. I just... I hurt. I think most of the hurt comes from anger though. I don't know what to do with it all. I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know how to resolve it. I'm afraid that I'm stuffing it down, where it will fester. All I really want to do is get in Hollingsworth's face and scream about how much I hate him.
Except that I don't hate him. Life would be much easier if I did. I understand what he's trying to do. What bothers me is that he's doing this, knowing how upset it makes me, how much it hurts me. He knows how I feel about it and he doesn't care.
And part of me feels stupid for all my pronouncements. I should have known that for all my yelling and fussing I was still going to end up living with Wednesday. I feel like the only thing there is for me to do now is try and move out as quickly as I can, and to spend as little time at home as possible in the meantime.
This is why I don't bother getting angry and fighting for something. It never makes a difference.
Posted by Lisa at September 28, 1999 07:16 PM
