November 15, 1999
Stuck
I spent most of yesterday visiting my mom. Normally we spend forever just talking, and going back and forth, but I was in an odd mood yesterday. I'm not sure how to describe it. Needy, maybe. Uncertain. I was a little down for unknown reasons, and I didn't want Mom to necessarily find out. I don't know why. That was probably pointless on my part. I'm certain that she knew anyway. She always does. I felt fake a lot of time I was talking to her, and I didn't like that feeling at all.
Despite that, we had a pretty good conversation. She and I are in a pretty similar place in some ways. She's been looking back over her career wondering what she might have done differently, disappointed in herself, somehow. "[For my age], I should be in a much more stable position, and a better job," she said. I've been doing something similar. Again. I terrify myself into immobility, like a deer in headlights. It's like I hear a clock ticking somewhere, and time's running out for me to fulfill my potential. And I have so much potential. I just don't know what to do with it. I don't know where to start. Or have I already started?
My brain is so lazy now. I think I mentioned a while back that I was reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Philosophy. I'm stalled on it. Once the ideas got more complex, I stopped understanding them. So, rather than work on it and puzzle them out, I got frustrated and stopped reading. That's my reaction now when I don't immediately understand something. I give up. I never really learned how to work on something. And yet... I know I'm capable of it, when it's something important to me.
I've been disappointed in myself so much lately. I do realize, most of the time, that I've done things and learned things and experienced things about myself that most people don't get to until they're my mom's age. But those things can't be quantified and measured. I can't set them in the scales of judgement when my brain starts berating me for all the things I haven't accomplished by the age of 27.
College is such a sticking point with me. I'm acutely conscious of my lack of education in many respects. Last night online a bunch of us were having a random conversation about Shakespeare -- his motivations for writing, his subtexts, etc. I felt that someone was getting a little snooty and condescending about the fact that she was an English major, and that such a conversation was pointless, because there was so little fact -- implying that the rest of us just couldn't know as much as she did. I was astounded at how defensively I reacted. I got bitterly sarcastic and said something to the effect of, "Well, I'm not an English major, I'm not even a college student, so there's no way I could know anything about any of this, so I'll shut up." The English major responded with something about how the conversation, if she contributed to it, could get complex, and I did it again: "I suppose I can handle complex. If there are any big words, I can even use a dictionary to look them up. I learned that much in high school."
I felt bad about it, and several of my friends sent me messages asking if I was okay, but I honestly wasn't. I feel... trapped where I am. Trapped in my job, trapped at my current level of education, trapped in my lifestyle. I think I said it best in the old entry I referenced above: "Scared to stay where I am, scared to move forward, and really scared to go back."
I keep complaining about this, but I should really just shut up or put up, shouldn't I? I keep finding all these reasons why I shouldn't go back to school and why I shouldn't change jobs and why I should just be a contented little mouse where I am. And when it comes down to it, there's really only one reason to make the change: I am more than what I am right now. And I know it.
For the record, I think my mom kicks ass.
Posted by Lisa at November 15, 1999 01:39 PM
