Divisions and Precisions

Deja Vu

Tired and out of sorts today. I feel as if I'm interacting with the world at a distance, like someone swaddled all my senses in cotton batting. I'm woolly-brained and thick-tongued.

I had a bit of a scare yesterday, a reminder of sorts. While I was driving home, I was struck with this sense of panicked anxiety and confusion. It's almost as if I forgot how to drive. Little things threw me. I'm at a red light. No one's coming, should I turn right? I panicked, unable to decide if it was safe. And for one disorienting moment as I got near my house, I couldn't figure out where I was or where I was going. I got home with no real problems. The whole time, I realized what it was. My depression, my old nemesis, decided to raise its head and look around, Hey! Guess what? I'm still here and you still have to fight me. Didn't want you getting too complacent on me... Aside from making me feel like crap, it often fuddled my thinking that way, sending me into a blind panic that confused everything else.

And I realized why it made a brief reappearance. I'm sleep-deprived and I haven't been eating as well as I was. I've been staying up much too late and getting up late, which makes my whole day feel frantic and rushed. And since I was doing housework in the mornings, that's a little behind too. I mean, it's not that I'd feel horrified if anyone came to visit me right now, things just aren't as clean as I want them.

So tonight, I go to bed early. Or earlier, at least. Tonight's the last night of the New York documentary, and I don't want to miss it. Last night there was a huge segment on the Triangle Fire in 1911. It was haunting. I can remember reading about it when I was a kid, but the reality of it didn't sink in until last night. I was transfixed. What would I have done, if faced with burning in a fire or jumping from the eighth floor?

It's no wonder I didn't sleep very well last night. Posted by Lisa at November 18, 1999 03:23 PM