November 27, 2000
Moving Stress -- Again
Ugh. So here's where I confess to being majorly stressed out, right? I am. Exceedingly so.
Every time I move I say that I'm not going to leave things until the last minute, but every move I do exactly that. I can do this, I'm just going to making up for lots of weekends where I didn't get much done over the past month. As usual.
Last night was kinda rough. I spent a huge portion of the day with my nose stuck in a book instead of packing. (I know, I know. Don't email me and tell me what a goomba I am. I know already.) I had good intentions, really. Then I realized that the book was due back at the library when I moved, and I really wanted to finish it. (The book was A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving, by the way.) I finished it, but then I had that off-kilter feeling you get from reading too long, particularly on a winter day when it gets dark early. I found the book itself to be disquieting -- yes, it was good, but I don't think I liked it much.
I felt disconnected and sort of floaty. That's a bad sign for me. I also hadn't eaten all day -- another bad sign. Back when I used to do theatre, after a show closed, I'd often have a case of post-show letdown for a day or two. You know, where your excitement levels stay up for an extended period of time, then all of a sudden, it's over? Sad as it is, I had the same feelings after seeing Rent, and I wasn't even IN the show. So, yeah. I was way way down yesterday. Heavy depression clouds hanging over my head.
I ended up, naturally, talking to Brand about it quite a bit. We talked about me moving, and how stressed I was. I said, "You know, I haven't really been happy here." It was a startling recognition to make. "No, you really haven't," he admitted. That surprised me. I wanted so much to be back in the Ann Arbor area, and when I got there, it wasn't what I wanted at all. The apartment was too small. The area was too rough. Deep down, I never quite felt safe there, not as safe as I'd felt in the trailer. I mean, it's not like my current apartment is in the ghetto or anything, it's just not quite as nice as the neighborhood I lived in before. That fear expressed itself in a lot of the nightmares I kept having.
When I moved out from the the apartment I'd shared with Hollingsworth last October, I was ready to live by myself. It was time. And I think that time was good for me in a lot of ways. But now I'm ready to live with other people again, I think. (I hope, she says in a little interior voice. I'd better be, said voice continues.)
It's gonna be a looooong week. I already know that. You know the drill. Moving. Hectic. Things might be quiet around here. Things are going to get better. I know they will.
Posted by Lisa at November 27, 2000 02:20 PM
