December 08, 2000
No More Salsa at Bedtime!
Something in the air in my parents' house promotes productivity. I'm not sure what it is, but I've been quite industrious this past week. At work I've been completely on the ball, rather than the Little Miss Slacker I usually tend to be. My room is neat. My writing, despite a short block at the beginning of the week, has been fast and furious -- and good. Well, at least I think so. I'd probably have finished at least one project this week were it not for the fact that my computer setup at home leaves much to be desired, particularly in terms of comfort. (Translation: there isn't any. Comfort, that is.) Working on improving that though. Currently I'm working on two short stories and what threatens to be a novel, as well as potentially working on another Tribe 8 book shortly.
My sleep schedule is completely normal. No, not normal for me, normal for most people. I'm eating healthier than I have in months. (Vegetables! I have vegetables every day now!) Throw all this together, and it's not that surprising to learn that my mood and energy have been great for the past week. I'm busy and I'm happy, well-rested, well-fed, and relaxed.
Perhaps that's why the series of dreams I had last night threw me so badly.
They seemed unconnected at first. My first dream was about Max. I've been really worried about how he would react to the move, and how certain behavioral problems he was having might manifest after the move. In other words, I dreamed that he quit using his litter box and was making messes all over the house. Much chaos and stress ensued.
The next dream was a bit odder and less based in real day to day life. I forget exactly how the dream got started, but I essentially got back together with Hollingsworth. We talked a little, clearing up some of the badness from when we broke up. Then things verged more towards an erotic dream -- I'll spare the details. It was an extremely emotional dream. When we got back together, it was full of feelings of having really missed him, and being glad that we were back together. However, added into all that was a sense of worry, wondering how I was going to explain to family and friends that we'd resolved our differences -- because things got really ugly there at the end. The hardest part was, when I woke up, those feelings remained, particularly the happiness... until I realized it had been a dream.
Turning both dreams over in my head this morning, I think they were both at least partly guilt dreams. Guilt over disrupting Max's life so much, as well as, if I'm being honest, over disrupting my parents' life as well. The dream about Hollingsworth was a little more complex. With things ending as acrimoniously as they did, it's hard for me not to feel guilty, even though I understand why I did what I did. I want things to be okay between us, and I think that's what's behind the dream I had. The desire for reconciliation is a real thing, just not necessarily quite that level of reconciliation. Although, I have to be honest, I think there was also a good bit of grief in that dream as well. I miss the good things about that relationship. I miss having him as a close friend.
I'm wondering why, now that life seems to be settling down, all this is cropping up. Then again, perhaps that's why right there: life is settling down, so my subconscious feels free to dig up older issues and try to process them. And of course, I always seem to have some free-floating, unnecessary guilt around somewhere. Either way, I'm thinking about emailing Hollingsworth and trying to clear the air a little, even a year later. And I'm definitely going to hug my cat when I get home.
Other ideas? Interpretations? Email me.
Posted by Lisa at December 8, 2000 11:45 AM
