December 09, 1999
Embracing My Inner Geek
I look stoned.
I do. I looked in the mirror over lunchtime. I'm surprised someone hasn't confronted me about my huge pot habit. Ah, sleep deprivation. We've been apart for so long, my old friend. Bedtime this week has averaged around 4 am. Sometimes 5 am. I'm suffering the effects. Suffering? Ah hell, I'm sorta having fun. I'm always a touch hyper, my attention span is shot, and concentration? Heh. Only if I really want to concentrate on whatever it is.
Writing here has been almost impossible to even think about. I tried yesterday, but ZOOOM! Ooh. Look over there! Hey, what's that say? Wow, look, I got email! You get the idea.
My only excuse for my wild lifestyle? I'm having fun.
I am truly a gaming geek. That, and I've been on creative fire for the past several days. The two coincide, believe me. I wonder though, would I be as sheepish about the amount of material I've begun and finished and conceptualized if it were about something other than a roleplaying game? Does it make what I've done less productive, that's about 'only a game'? I've sent vast amounts of email, weaving together threads of plot, introducing new ones. Frankly, I'm having a marvelous time. I just stop sometimes and think, "GOD you're a geek!"
Then there's online, as well. Lots of stuff going on there, too -- which is the biggest reason I've been staying up so late. I think I'm kinda sorta developing a new online crush, too... and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, I'm really not sure how I feel about it.
It all comes down to this: I love all the things I'm doing right now. But I feel incredibly self-conscious. Almost ashamed of it all. I feel totally geeky and without a life, that pretending to be other people (and maneuvering other people pretending to be other people) means so much to me right now. It's almost like I'm only self-conscious because of what other people will think, not because of what I think of it. I hate that.
Is geekiness my source of individuality? Is it 'quirky' or is it just dumb?
Posted by Lisa at December 9, 1999 06:21 PM
