November 30, 1998
Well, I've probably screwed up, a lot. I made an error in judgement earlier today, and it's starting to catch up with me. I'm hiding right now. My phone keeps ringing, and I'm ignoring it. I know Jo stopped by earlier to see if I was okay, but I didn't answer the door. I don't know what's wrong exactly, I just... I don't feel right. I hope people can forgive me for being such a fuck up today. I dropped the ball big time and I'm sorry. But for now I just don't have the energy to go around crawling for forgiveness.
Lots of old feelings coming back. Old, icky depression feelings. Well hell, that's how I acted today. Even now I'm fighting the urge to just go back to bed and forget everything for a while. I don't even feel like RPing online. And that's usually my big escape. No one's really around though. James was, but he didn't feel like playing, and didn't feel like listening to me whine, either. I don't blame him. I don't feel like listening to me whine right now. I don't even quite know what's wrong, but then, I never do when I get like this. I don't know if I need someone to hold me or just kick my ass. Hollingsworth came and tried to talk to me, but I pretty much ignored him too.
You know if I leave you now
It doesn't mean that I love you any less
It's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this
Sing it, Sister Sarah. I don't even feel like listening to her right now though. I feel like working on revising Jake and Elathan's story, but I just feel... dry. Did someone ravage me while I wasn't looking?
I'm so hard to handle,
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I lost the best baby that I ever had
And I wish I had a river,
That I could skate away on...
Well, I'm off to do something. Dunno what. Maybe sleep. Maybe something constructive. Hell, I haven't eaten yet today, maybe I'll do that. Tomorrow is another day, and all that shit.
November 25, 1998
No Place Like Home For The Holidays
I seem to be writing more journal entries at work, hrm. I'm really not sure what that says about me or my job at this point. I just think it's funny, since when I conceived of this journal, I figured I'd be writing most of my entries at night.
Maybe all this means is that I've started having nighttime thoughts at work. This could be a good thing. Heh.
The week from hell is almost over! 1 hour and 40 minutes to go and I'm free. Teresa and I have joked about having T-shirts made up that read "I survived the week of November 23rd in Services Reception!" We need a more clever nickname though. That way people will think we're all cool and stuff. Which we are, of course, but that's beside the point.
Thanksgiving tomorrow. I'm having such mixed feelings about this. See, Hollingsworth and I have been living together for about 2 and a half years now. From the beginning, he's not been welcome at family gatherings. Matter of fact, of my family, only my mother, my step-father, one aunt and two cousins even know about him.
Why all the secrecy, you ask? Simple. As much as I love my family - my hick, redneck, decidedly Southern family, they can't accept certain things. Or won't accept them. I am of one race. Hollingsworth is of another. To quote my mother, "You can't tell your grandmother [who is 90 years old], it would kill her."
This year, because of how things are going (or aren't going, I guess) between Hollingsworth and I, I'm finally going back to a family holiday without worrying a lot about what he's going to do. Part of me feels very guilty about that. We haven't discussed it at all. Well, we haven't even spoken really, not for a couple of days, so that's not so surprising. But, I'm going to the family dinner. The ironic thing is, my friend Jeff may be going with me tomorrow. I warned him that my family would most likely speculate about his presence. Especially since I haven't brought anyone male around my family since getting divorced. This should be interesting. I love watching people misread situations. Really.
But that's the core of my... discomfort, I guess you could call it. That my friend, who is white, is welcome at a family gathering, while my (former? psuedo? erstwhile? part-time?) boyfriend is not welcome, because he is not white.
Anyway, happy Thanksgiving.
November 24, 1998
You Only Hurt the Ones You Love
Not sure what to say tonight. I think I'm losing one of my best friends and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not sure there is anything to do about it. I think we've been drifting for a couple weeks now, and tonight was a real wowzer of a fight. I'm just tired. I want things to go back the way they were, and I know they can't. I know he doesn't want them to. I love him dearly, but I can't seem to say or do anything right. All of the problems are my fault, and it's all because I don't understand him anymore and I don't try to understand him. If I dare have the audacity to suggest that maybe we might both be at fault here... well, I haven't said that yet. I'm afraid to.
Part of me just wants to wallow in self-pity.
Part of me just wants to get completely pissed off and rant and rave.
Part of me just wants to give up and let go, let him go.
And part of me just wants to sit here and cry.
The last one is winning out right now.
Everyone is angry and no one is listening and something very important is withering. And maybe I'm being melodramatic, but god DAMN it, I hurt right now.
I started writing this tonight to try and untangle my thoughts from my feelings, to maybe arrive at a clearer point of view. I'm just making myself more tired, and my vision's none too clear at the moment.
No snappy ending sentence. I just want to go back to where I was. Where we were.
November 23, 1998
Just Another Manic Monday...
All I can say is, thank whatever powers you want to thank for short weeks. Today has actually not been nearly as bad as I was afraid it would be, since we're at about half-staff with vacations and all. Hey, I have time to do this, so it can't be that bad, right?
I'm a little frustrated with my homepage, since I realized last night that it looks pretty crappy on anything less than 600x800. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. Even my journal pages looked icky. The graphics just all were too big and it all looked awkward. Grrr. Brand suggested just putting a notice on the page that it would look best when viewed on a monitor set to at least 600x800. I may, for now at least.
Another 4 AM phone call with Brand. This is becoming a tradition of sorts, especially on weekends. Not that I mind of course (Lisa screams, "Oh, make me talk on the phone, twist my arm, no really!"). We kind of got into some serious stuff last night though (well, this morning, if you want to be picky), and as a result, everything makes a lot more sense. I shouldn't be surprised by this. He's a lot like me, in some ways. I've never been one to believe much in astrology, but I'm kind of starting to. We share the same birthday, and I think we're both just so Cancer sometimes. And we're both very bear-like too. He said something last night about being a bear pooka (yeah, it's a Changeling thing) and I had to laugh. I've thought of myself along the same lines before.
After having some non-Changeling players and some non-internet addicts read over my journal entries (Hi Brian!), I'm thinking I need to put together an index of sorts, of various esoteric knowledge required to understand my journal. And a listing of exactly who all these odd people are that I keep mentioning, similar to Nic's journal page. So... I get to start thinking of something clever to say about each of my friends. Heh.
Well I was looking for a clever quote, either from a scene or from something I've read.. nothing's coming to mind. I'm feeling terribly uninspired today. Hey. Did someone ravage me over the weekend or something? Maybe it's not that. Maybe I just need a muse. Oops sorry, another Changeling reference. Yeah ok, I admit it. A role-playing game often gets used as a paradigm for my real life.
I'm a geek, and I'm proud.
November 20, 1998
I Must Be A Toys 'R Us Kid
I love my cousin Sheri. She's proof that maybe I do share some of the same genetic material as the rest of my family. She has the same warped sense of humor as me. I talked to her a little today and she told me about going deer hunting last weekend. (We're a redneck family. I think I'm the only one who doesn't hunt.) She related how she got two deer at once, a buck and a doe.
"They were in the same clearing and I shot the doe. The buck just stood there, like he didn't understand why his doe wasn't following him. So, rather than let him go through the rest of his life alone and sad... I killed him."
I found that terribly funny. You'd probably have to know Sheri and me to understand.
She's three years older than me, almost to the day (I was born July on 7th, she was born on July 9th). I'm an only child, technically, but she's been as much a sister as a cousin. She even lived with me and my parents for a little while when I was too young to remember. Together, we are a very goofy, very scary pair. Put us with Sarah (also my cousin, and Sheri's 17 year old sister), and we get even scarier. I have often left a visit with the two of them with a horrible laughing headache and aching sides. It's a good feeling.
But then, as Chris has been known to say (Jo too, come to think of it), I'm easy.
When it comes to laughing at least.
As far as anything else goes, I plead the fifth.
I was thinking earlier today about how most of my close friends now are younger than me. It struck me as odd at first. The friends I have that are the same age as me are all generally married, getting married, or married and planning families. And that's not even mentioning the career thing. And it really bothered me for a little bit. Here I am, 26 years old, with no real idea of where I want to be in 10 years. Well no, I know where I want to be, just not how to get there. I'm just not much into career planning lately. Or even life planning. It's kind of scary and liberating at the same time. I don't think I want to be a drifter forever, and yet I'm pretty satisfied right now. I feel like I'm learning things and experiencing things that go beyond the stereotypical idea of success. Valuable things, about me, about life, about everything. (Apologies to Douglas Adams.)
I also realized: all my older friends went through their carefree, wandering sort of days and phases between the ages of say 19 and 24 or so. At 19, I was married and trying to be a good little wife and daughter and all the rest of that crap. Now I'm not a good little anything, and I'm much happier for it.
Been listening to Into the Woods a lot lately. Sondheim is a god. Little Red Riding Hood puts it best, I think.
So we wait in the dark, until someone sets us free
And we're brought into the light
And we're back at the start.
And I know things now, many valuable things
That I hadn't known before
Do not put your faith in a cape and a hood
They will not protect you the way that they should
And take extra care with strangers
Even flowers have their dangers
And though scary is exciting,
Nice is different than good.
Now I know, don't be scared
Granny is right, just be prepared
Isn't it nice to know a lot?
And a little bit not.
Sometimes though, you have to get free yourself, and find your own way back into the light.
Rescuers can be notoriously unreliable at times.
November 19, 1998
Notes From Along the Journey
Another rambling journal entry! I know your day has been made.
Today was both a very long day and a very short day. Time flew, but was stressful. I got rear-ended this morning on my way to work. No damage done, to me or the car, but damn I got freaked for a minute or two...
Talked to James for a little bit earlier, yes, the Prodigal Wizard himself (that's prodigal in the Biblical sense, not in the Changeling sense... ya know, I think 'prodigal' actually means wasteful. Its also come to mean 'wandering' or 'lost as well, apparently.) I miss the little bugger terribly. He's now, after a journal entry earlier this week, delighting in calling me a 'dude magnet'. This is, of course, revenge for all the times I called him a 'chick magnet', particularly in revenge for me telling Julia about it. It's his own damn fault. He couldn't really expect me to talk to her and not reveal at least a few secrets... You should be grateful, James. At least I didn't tell her about the grape jelly. Heh.
'Dude magnet'. I find that utterly hysterical. As I said to James earlier, YEAH RIGHT. I also told him I'd believe it when someone kissed me.
He said something yesterday that has stayed with me: "Things come into your life when you need them." Or words to that effect. I keep finding that's true. Particularly of people. It's almost eerie at times.
Lately I am so content with where my life is going. It's sort of like going through a canal. I'm very gradually slipping from one lock to the next, one level to the next. I misspoke, actually. I don't know where my life is going. For now, I think I'm simply content with the movement alone. It feels good to be going somewhere, wherever that ends up being.
Besides, everyone knows that with any trip, getting there is half the fun.
November 17, 1998
Power to the People!
This is one of the rare entries that was not originally typed. There's a very good reason for that. Power outage. Apparently Michcon cut our power line while digging out front. Oh, and I'm at work, by the way. But do I get to go home? No - because the phones still work, of course.
So here I sit, in a dim office building. You'd be amazed how much quieter it is without the hum of electricity - fluorescent lights, computers, printers, fax machines. The only sound is the occasional ring of the phones (damn them!) and the murmuring of voices. It's an odd situation - it's peaceful, but there's this underlying tension from the higher-ups. Not in my department though. Here in Services Reception all is candlelight and jelly beans.
The power goes out here fairly often, so we have a fair supply of candles here. All of us have three or four candles on our desks, so it smells nice here. and a support rep brought over a full bag of Smuckers jelly beans that she wanted to get rid of. So we're cooperating.
Of course, Jo's statement was that our desks look like altars.
I suppose there are worse things than working by candlelight. I can, however, think of lots of other things I'd rather do by candlelight.
Power again! I'm not sure this is a good thing or a bad thing, though. It's been a nice, soothing day. I suppose I shouldn't complain, otherwise I'd be sitting here in the dark until 8:00 PM. And if I'm going to be sitting in the dark talking on the phone, I'd at least rather it was with a friend.
And speaking of friends... sounds like it's another Tios night with Jo, Chris and Jeff. Who are in need of a nickname, cause I'm tired of typing 'Jo, Chris and Jeff'. At any rate, more real life is a good thing.
Even if it means sitting in the dark.
November 16, 1998
He Said, She Said.... and Then Some
Well I did it. I asked him to the Christmas party at work. He said if he didn't have something going on, he'd go. Woohoo for me. And if you're reading this and you don't know who he is, TOO BAD! Heh. I have to keep some secrets from the general populace.
I am not, however, going to overreact and make this entire situation into something more than what it is. I'm going to keep my hopes moderate and count on having a good time with a good friend. Period.
You. Stop snickering. I can hear you from here. Yes, you.
What's going on lately, though? I'm kinda flabbergasted by something Jo told me at work today. I just do NOT know how to take it. She related a conversation to me between her and a co-worker that I've had a very minor crush on since I started working there a year and a half ago. It went something like this:
(Jo and the aforementioned co-worker are walking down the hall from me. As soon as they get around corner, he looks at Jo almost secretively.)
Him: So... is Lisa still going out with that same guy?
Jo: I don't think so.
Him: (Interested expression) Really? You sure?
Jo: I think so, yeah.
Him: Hm. That's interesting.
How's a girl supposed to take something like that? Is he asking for himself? Is he asking for someone else? Is he just curious, what? And then there's another one, who always comes over and talks to me when things get quiet in the evenings. Tonight he even called first to see if my phones were busy, and to tell me he wanted to come see me. That might just be boredom though, I don't know.
Whatever the case, I feel rather in demand lately. There are worse ways to feel.
And then there are the online folk, who, although near and dear to my heart, are just too damn far away. I'm pretty much over the jealousy thing. I think. Well, no. I'm still jealous, but it's changed. Rather than being jealous of her, I'm more jealous of the fact that I hardly get to talk to him anymore, cause he's always with her, if that makes sense.
I miss Brand though. He's saved my sanity countless times over the past several weeks and I love him dearly for it. Funny... it still seems weird to miss someone I've never actually met. It's just one of those things you can't explain to someone who hasn't been there, and if they've been there, you don't have to explain. It's not so bad, you know, being part of a harem. It has its perks. Heh.
And then there's Hollingsworth. I don't know that I'm ready to talk about that one yet. We share an apartment still, but that's really about it. I miss what we had sometimes, but most of the time I think I'm ready to let it go, and let it be what it wants to be, which apparently is just friendship. Just friendship. I shouldn't put it like that. As if friendship were something to just settle for. It's not, and I know that. (Gee, for not being ready to talk, I said a lot, didn't I?)
I feel like I'm leaving my chrysalis. The only question is:
November 14, 1998
Scary Monkey of the Day
Well, the title is a poor attempt at a joke. The joke's a funny one, to me at least. And to anyone else in Services Reception at Creative Solutions. At least, Jo and Theresa and I found it hilarious. Trust me, it's probably a location joke (ie, you had to be there).
I'm not laughing a lot tonight though. It's almost impossible to explain online life to someone who's never experienced it, how close you can get to someone thousands of miles away, even though you've never seen them. At the risk of stumbling onto an overused cliche, there's a feeling of community, almost. That's how I feel about Emerald Dreams. I love that place. But right now, it's not a comfortable place to be. Like any small-ish community, there are squabbles and cliques and rivalries. Until tonight, I was able to ignore them. I feel betrayed by a friend who, rather than talking to me about something he was upset about, went over my head and made a complaint against me.
I should explain, a little. I'm a staff member on that MUSH, which basically means I help run some of the aspects of the place. In my case, I help out with character approvals and help clarify some game rules and so on. Sometimes people get unhappy with staff on a MUSH.
This I can understand.
Sometimes when people get unhappy with staff on a MUSH, they do some pretty rotten things.
This also I can understand.
However, I've been accused of things by this particular friend which are untrue and the result of jealousy and immaturity.
This I do not understand.
Ya know, I wish you would have talked to me, before doing what you did. All I can say is: how petty is that, to try and drag me down because I don't play with you enough, or whatever.
Ironically, the person involved will probably never read this, and I'll probably never confront him either. But some of you who read this will know who and what I mean, exactly. Even more ironically, the two who will understand the best are the other two accused. Ah, fuck it. I'm babbling to myself.
Congrats. The Scary Monkey of the Day award definitely goes to you. You earned it.
Saturdays Are Just One Long Night
Is there a lazier time than a gray Saturday afternoon? I dunno, maybe there is, but right now, it seems like there couldn't possibly be. There are SO many things I should be doing, but here I sit, sorta not really on a MUSH (Emerald Dreams), just typing the randomness that will be this journal entry.
You can see by the time, it's 3 in the afternoon, but I've only been awake since about 1 or so. Typical. Actually, that's pretty early for me on Saturday, but then, I went to bed fairly early last night. 3 AM. I think that's the earliest I've gone to bed all week. I got home from gaming, found out that I'd missed Brand and James, nothing else was going on online, so I went to bed. So far today, I've managed to call my long-lost cousin Sheri to reassure her that I didn't fall off the face of the earth, and I've managed to stay in bed and read - Here Be Dragons by Sharon Kay Penman. Awesome book. I recommend it highly.
Gaming last night. Just, wow. Chris just never ceases to amaze me. I have a hard enough time finding a voice for my one character, but he just comes up with voices for this entire cast of NPCs, it's incredible. I'm excited about this new campaign. I can tell already it's as much about character development and interaction as it is about solving mysteries and catching bad guys. And NO DICE ROLLING! Not to mention that I get to play with three people who are rapidly becoming favorites of mine: Jo (a woman I work with) Chris (her husband) and Jeff (their friend, and mine too). The three of them will hereafter be referred to by some witty nickname that I don't have the brain to think up right now. Or maybe not. I'd almost forgotten how nice it is to actually have friends in the same city as me.
(On a side note, I'm sitting here watching Hollingsworth abuse Max, my cat. This too, is a Saturday ritual. They bug each other continually.)
I've managed to write for 30 minutes and not really reveal much at all, haven't I? I impress myself at times. I'm not in much of a confessional mood today. Maybe I'm still too much into Nancy, my character from last night's game. Nancy's all about walls, and putting up a good front. Ah well, maybe I'll come out with some deep personal revelation later. No promises though.
For now, it's time to go back to bed, I think. I gotta go see what's up with Llewelyn, Joanna and King John. Happy Saturday.
November 12, 1998
Everybody else is doing it...
There's something intriguing and tempting and scary about posting really personal thoughts online. I mean, I've kept journals before, who hasn't? Sometimes I've even shown entries to people. Since I seem to communicate so much better through a keyboard lately, maybe this is the way to go.
It's been an interesting couple of weeks. Relationships changing, splitting off, reforming and making new shapes. Change. Lots and lots of change. Well, it's that time of year. A time for saying goodbyes, endings and new beginnings. I went to a Samhain ritual on the 31st, but last night in the Arb was really Samhain for me. I sat under the warrior oak and sang "Love Will Come to You" mostly just because it seemed right. And as James would probably say, it's all about doing what feels right. And I said goodbye. Goodbye to a lot of negative shit, to a lot of things that were only weighing me down. High winds can make anything seem lighter I guess.
What defines a spiritual experience? I used to know, or I thought I did. I'm starting to think that any experience that makes me stop and think about something really fundamental to who I am, is spiritual. They're happening a lot lately. From sitting and singing an Indigo Girls song after midnight in the middle of a windstorm to sitting in a hot tub looking at a fireplace. Maybe I've just been more introspective lately. Good day though. Nice to see some things resolving themselves.
And I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one, there will be two
And I wish her insight, to battle love's blindness
Strength from the milk of human kindness
A safe place for all the pieces that scatter
Learn to pretend there's more than love that matters.
You know, love is what matters, it just all depends on what kind of love you mean. Maybe that's what I learned this week: how to exchange one kind of love for another. To let go of the kind that was hurting.