December 21, 1998
My Brain is Dying!
Brain dead today. But that's all right. I haven't been to sleep in the last 24 hours, almost exactly. But that's all right. I figured it out. Living vicariously through a role-playing character just might be the way to go. Joanna's life may not be happier than mine, but it's certainly more interesting. It's more... extreme. Her highs are higher and her lows are lower. (Trust me, you can't get much lower than being imprisoned in a cave by an ex-boyfriend.) It makes sense really. The living embodiment of a myth should live a more extreme life.
Right now she's on an enormous high. And so, by default, am I. Last night she was completely reunited with her one true love, the love that has followed her from lifetime to lifetime. I'll spare you all the gory, mushy details, but it was a very emotional scene. It made me cry. That might sound weird, but hey, people cry during movies, right? RPing on Emerald Dreams is like a cross between telling a story to yourself and your friends, and living in an impromptu acting world. Well, not acting, I guess, since it's all written, but.. I don't know, it's close.
Repeating, for those of you just joining from home: brain dead today.
Hollingsworth is coming home from Wyoming tonight, two days early. I'm having a total attack of mixed emotions. I was kind of enjoying having the house to myself. I did get lonely once in a while, but not too bad. I guess I should get used to it, since I'm going to be alone a lot come June. Max was especially cuddly. I think he missed his wrestling buddy. I still don't know how I'm going to handle that. There are a lot of things that I'm not sure how I will handle. So I think about it and worry about it now, right? It's called planning, right? Yeah, right.
And taking a nap during lunch was a very bad idea. Brain dead. Zzzzzzzzzzz.
December 15, 1998
Open Letter to a Friend
(Warning: this is a very subjective point of view. If you don't like it, deal. I'm not a happy kind of person today.)
Conflict. I hate conflict. I don't deal well with it. I never have. It makes me sick to my stomach. Rather than have people upset with me, I'll apologize for things that aren't my fault and swallow my pride. You can only swallow so much of it until you have none left. You can only be taken for granted so many times before something finally snaps. I'm tired of being the one at fault. I'm tired of being given ultimatums and threats.
You hurt me. Congratulations. Not like that's an especially hard thing for you to do. You do it well, and lately, you do it fairly often. I've seen patterns forming, and they're not good patterns.
I can disagree with you, as long as I accept that my opinions are inferior to yours.
I can get upset with you, as long as I'm prepared to get my ass torn into by you verbally.
I can do something you don't like, as long as I accept that you're going to criticize me for it.
At first, I kept I writing it off as your personality. You're a sarcastic kind of person. I can accept that to a point. But I have been the target for your sarcastic, contemptuous comments one too many times. Today was the end. Based on your comments today, I can only conclude that you have little to no respect for me as a person. You chose to not even do me the courtesy of allowing me to explain the viewpoint that had you so upset. I'm posting this in part because I don't know that I could even get it across to you another way, without getting even more hurt. I know you're stressed, and I know you were angry, but the things you said to me today were uncalled for.
I'm not apologizing this time. I did nothing to you to warrant an apology. Mistakes were made on my part and those mistakes have been dealt with. I love you, but I can't deal with this kind of one-sided relationship anymore. You're my friend still, but I'm stepping back. You know where I am, and you know how to reach me. I hope you choose to, but after today, I somehow have my doubts.
December 13, 1998
Colors, Part 2
Speaking as someone who has a great many friends online, there is little that is more frustrating than just missing someone online. I mean finding out that the one person you really want to talk to, the one person that talking to will make your day complete, logged off about five minutes before you logged on. That is beyond frustrating. Especially if you can't even call said person for various reasons (such as, let's say, oh, I don't know... that your boyfriend took the long distance service off your phone..). So I sit here, hoping Brand might come back tonight, worried about him, and missing him.
He said something that made me cry the other night. It refers to a journal entry I made a few days ago (December 9). I was feeling neglected because he was talking to someone else, and he told me, "[This person] might be my red, but you'll always be my white." I cried. Admittedly, I was having a very moody night. It wouldn't have taken much to make me cry. Poor guy, he got worried when he found out I was crying: "I meant that to be a good thing!" And it was. I think I just got hit with a 'I want someone to love me romantically and passionately' self-pity kick. I want to feel that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling you get right before you kiss someone for the first time. There's that one moment... when you know you're going to kiss someone, but you haven't kissed yet, that moment when you're looking into each other's eyes and moving towards each other - there's a magic to that you can't find anywhere else, not in sex, not in anything at all. I miss that. Every once in a while I get a flicker of it with Hollingsworth, but not often.
He and I actually had a pretty good weekend together. We went to the movies last night and had dinner afterwards, and talked. Well, ok. I talked and he mostly listened. We fought about some role-playing/Changeling things, like we usually do, but that was okay. Arguing in the name of discussion is cool. I get frustrated sometimes, though. He seems to take this attitude of 'well, you're just wrong, period'. That tends to stifle any discussion. This is already an area where I'm just starting to have some strong opinions, and (especially where Changeling is concerned) is an area where my opinions are especially starting to matter, since I'm the one making a lot of rules-related rulings on Emerald Dreams. And unfortunately, it's an area where I'm probably least confident in my own opinions. So any sort of wholesale rejection of my ideas is kind of painful. But, lest this be seen as a rant against how evil and unsupportive Hollingsworth is, the discussion was quite interesting for the most part. And he is supportive, even when he doesn't agree or understand my ideas, which is fairly often. Despite everything, it is still nice to be able to talk to him and spend time with him. I hope we'll still be able to do that after May.
And in completely unrelated news... I may end up being an executive board member of the newly revived Ann Arbor Medieval Festival. The first meeting was tonight. The idea intrigues me, although I admittedly have very little idea of what I'm doing. Medfest sounds sort of like a Renaissance Faire without all the commercialism and serious anachronisms. It also was, in the past, very theatre and music oriented. 'A-ha!' thinks Lisa, 'a chance to get involved in the artistic community of Ann Arbor!' For now there's lots of time to decide, and this is definitely something I want to be involved with on some level or another. I miss music and theatre so badly sometimes. I'm looking for a way back in.
I think I may do the sensible thing and go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. That's a frightening thought. Who knows? With the mood I've been in, this may be the week Lisa starts pulling her life back into some semblance of order. The chaos thing is getting a little old.
Wish me luck. Good night.
December 11, 1998
All Tired Out
I am the Queen of Flat Tires, oh yes, I am. Heading down the interstate this morning, about two miles from work, I hear the ominous thud-thud-thud of a tire blowing out. My first thought: "That does it. I'm getting a cell phone." My next thought: "It's too damn cold to walk the rest of the way to work." Following closely: "I am so late." But I climbed out of my car and shut the door, and after looking at the shredded remains of my front driver's side tire, started the walk.
After a few moments, I heard a horn beep behind me and saw someone in a minivan on the shoulder behind me. It was kinda scary, in a way. It was some guy who said he saw me pull off the road and turned around to offer to help. Although I was decidedly leery, I accepted his offer of a ride the rest of the way in, since I didn't have a spare tire. I only ended up being ten minutes late. The conversation was typical of two strangers, but as I am fond of saying, "Subtext is everything."
Him: So where were you headed?
Me: I was on my way to work. It's about a mile from here, and I'm running late. (Subtext: If you're an evil person looking to rape or kidnap me, people know where I am and are expecting me!)
Sad, but apparently it worked, since I made it to work alive.
Now, why is Lisa the Queen of Flat Tires? Two related incidents before this one, going back four months or so. Back in August, James was in a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, playing Puck. Well, I had to see it, so I planned a trip to Indiana. I left on a Saturday morning, and at about 10:30, passed through Bowling Green, Ohio. I stopped for gas and for breakfast. On my way back down the expressway on-ramp, I hit a pothole. Well no, I think it was a crater, actually. At any rate, my tire nearly exploded. Thud-thud-thud. I walked back to the exit, called AAA and by about 11:45, a tow truck came to help me. My spare, it turned out, did not fit my car, and I was told that all of the tire places in town closed at noon on Saturdays. Did I panic? No. We found a place that was open until 3 and took the car there. So far, so good. I called James and told him I would be late. I waited. Finally I was told that I needed a new rim. Ok, no problem - I thought. "We don't have any rims for your car in stock, and everything just closed. We can't fix your car until Monday morning." No amount of begging or pleading or whining could change the situation. At the time, I had no one to really call for help, so I ending up finding a hotel room and spending a very long, very boring weekend in Bowling Green. (Happy ending to the story: I got to see the play the following weekend.)
Now, jump ahead about three weeks, to Labor Day weekend. James and I had planned a trip to Toronto for a big Changeling LARP (Live Action Role-Playing) weekend. I went to Indiana to pick him up, which means I passed Bowling Green four times that weekend. Many jokes were made, as well as warding-off signs. Toronto was a blast, and a good time was had by all (of us, at least). We left for home on Monday morning, tired but happy. About two hours out of Toronto, after a traffic jam, we hear the now-familiar thud-thud-thud. Fortunately I made it to a gas station and we sat around for about an hour while they replaced my tire.
So, I'm getting a new set of tires today, budget be damned.
And I AM getting a cell phone for Christmas.
December 09, 1998
I keep starting journal entries and falling asleep in the middle of them. That's pretty sad, when your own writing makes you fall asleep. So, hopefully, at 3 in the afternoon, in the middle of a very brightly lit office, I can manage to actually finish my thoughts. Finish my thoughts. I should probably find them first, huh?
"The Messiah" on Sunday was just wonderful. I'd never heard the entire work before. The thing I really liked, actually, was to hear all this glorious music (the University Musical Society Choral Union is wonderful), most of it unfamiliar, with occasional snatches of pieces that are very well-known to me, such as the "Hallelujah" chorus, and a couple of the contralto pieces that I sang in college. It really made me miss singing. Serious singing, not screwing around to stuff on the radio. I'm kind of limited for how to pursue it again, but I'm definitely going to start looking. If nothing else, Chris wants the four of us to do some quartet work, which I would love. Problem is, Jo and I are both technically altos and Chris and Jeff are both technically tenors. Ah well, we could fake it, I think. Ooh, now there's a challenge... can Lisa go from singing tenor for years in Cynnabar's madrigal group to singing soprano in this quartet? We'll see, I guess.
Another late night phone conversation with Brand. He hasn't been around online much lately, mostly because of school stuff. It's funny how we can be so similar and so different. Here I am with only a couple years of college, and there he is, working on a doctorate in an extremely scholarly field (culture criticism, is that right?). I know I could have done that sort of thing as well, but my path just didn't take me there. And as I've said before, I'm not much for planning a path right now. I'm just following it. Also, I can't really see myself doing something so... distant, I think is the word I want. I'm the type to be more involved with people.
I was explaining to him about the quiz I was sent at work. One question was simply a list of colors. For each color, give the name of someone you associate with that color. I'll give you the list of colors and who I put for each one. Feel free to play along at home, if you want.
- Yellow - Jeff
- Orange - Jo
- Red - James
- White - Brand
- Green - Chris
The five people who are probably most important/influential to me right now. No great surprise there. Now. The meanings. Did you write down your own choices? Here goes...
- Yellow - somebody who will never forget you
- Orange - someone whom you can consider as your real friend
- Red - someone you really love
- White - your soulmate
- Green - a person whom you will always remember for the rest of your life
I found that to be very interesting. Of course, I can't vouch for Jeff never forgetting me, but other than that, it was pretty darn accurate. I'm not completely sure what to make of the fact that Hollingsworth's name didn't show up on that list at all. No, that's a lie. I do know what to make of it, I just don't like to think about it. It's funny. I spend a lot of time telling others about our situation, and I seem to be really self-aware. It's all on the surface. I'm really not spending much time thinking about this at all. It's like there's this enormous blank spot in my mind when I try to stop and really think about what ending this relationship means to me. There's a fog there, keeping me from thinking or feeling whatever it is I really think or feel about all this. That worries me. When I start repressing, that's when the trouble starts.
Of course, the other take on this is that I've either: a) already dealt with most of what this means to me, and there's nothing left, or b) it's just not time to deal with it yet. Right now, I'm focusing most of my energy on getting ready to move. Not in a physical preparation sense, but more of a mental preparation. I used to love our apartment, but now I just want out of it. I want to live by myself for a while. I know that will present a lot of new challenges, but I think I'm ready for it. Living by myself is something I've never done, and I admit to looking forward to it. It all goes back to another Little Red Riding Hood quote from Into the Woods, about feeling "excited, well, excited and scared."
That's me all over. Color me in shades of nervous anticipation.
December 06, 1998
Well, it's late, but I'm in a writing sort of mood, so here I am. The muse is back upon me in full force. Heh, I think the bitch is making up for lost time! I feel scattered, trying to work in too many directions at once. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the inspiration, but several more hours in a day to go along with it would be nice too. I'm working on a couple story ideas, not to mention trying to set up an archive of some sort with these entries, and maybe get my index page going. And then there's the usual stuff, like work and sleep and friends and such. I'm glad to have the creative parts of my brain working again, though. Jake and Elathan's story should seriously kick ass if I can do it justice. And I should be able to. This is a story I've been living for months now.
We are now in the middle of a massive Jo, Chris and Jeff weekend. It's been awesome so far. Gaming Friday night. My phrase for the evening was, "It's good to be the bitch." I'm still a little uncertain, but slowly and surely Nancy is making herself known - and what an awesome character she is. She's tossed into this unbelievable disaster, but stays cool (while her player freaks out!). What would you do if there was an Ebola outbreak being spread through bad heroin in your city, and you were the acting head of the FBI field office? Yeah, I didn't know either, but Nancy seems to have it under control. As one of the other characters warned someone, "I wouldn't get into a pissing contest with Nancy, she's got a bigger dick than you do." It's all about strong women.
Of course, having the University of Michigan Medical Center blow up in game was pretty cool too.
Today was pretty much a hang around day, we slept in at the house and went out for a late breakfast, then wandered through Crazy Wisdom, a sort of metaphysical book store. I found a couple things I needed/wanted, and got Jo her Christmas (Yule? Solstice? Holiday?) present. I also found a silver Celtic knotwork ring, which I have been coveting for years now.
And then, of course, tonight was the Christmas party for work. I ended up sharing my date (Jeff) with Jo, because hers couldn't come due to a medical emergency, and Chris (not her date, but her husband, are you confused yet?) was singing "The Messiah" with the Choral Union. We had a lot of fun just basically screwing around. Office Christmas parties are great, because you get to see what the people you work with are really like, especially if people start drinking. I work with a pretty fun group of folks. We didn't get rowdy, just very.... merry. Jello shots are fun, oh yes, they are.
Well, no earthshattering or especially thought-provoking statements beyond that. Just that Lisa is having a very good weekend, mostly away from the computer, yay me!