December 13, 1998
Colors, Part 2
Speaking as someone who has a great many friends online, there is little that is more frustrating than just missing someone online. I mean finding out that the one person you really want to talk to, the one person that talking to will make your day complete, logged off about five minutes before you logged on. That is beyond frustrating. Especially if you can't even call said person for various reasons (such as, let's say, oh, I don't know... that your boyfriend took the long distance service off your phone..). So I sit here, hoping Brand might come back tonight, worried about him, and missing him.
He said something that made me cry the other night. It refers to a journal entry I made a few days ago (December 9). I was feeling neglected because he was talking to someone else, and he told me, "[This person] might be my red, but you'll always be my white." I cried. Admittedly, I was having a very moody night. It wouldn't have taken much to make me cry. Poor guy, he got worried when he found out I was crying: "I meant that to be a good thing!" And it was. I think I just got hit with a 'I want someone to love me romantically and passionately' self-pity kick. I want to feel that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling you get right before you kiss someone for the first time. There's that one moment... when you know you're going to kiss someone, but you haven't kissed yet, that moment when you're looking into each other's eyes and moving towards each other - there's a magic to that you can't find anywhere else, not in sex, not in anything at all. I miss that. Every once in a while I get a flicker of it with Hollingsworth, but not often.
He and I actually had a pretty good weekend together. We went to the movies last night and had dinner afterwards, and talked. Well, ok. I talked and he mostly listened. We fought about some role-playing/Changeling things, like we usually do, but that was okay. Arguing in the name of discussion is cool. I get frustrated sometimes, though. He seems to take this attitude of 'well, you're just wrong, period'. That tends to stifle any discussion. This is already an area where I'm just starting to have some strong opinions, and (especially where Changeling is concerned) is an area where my opinions are especially starting to matter, since I'm the one making a lot of rules-related rulings on Emerald Dreams. And unfortunately, it's an area where I'm probably least confident in my own opinions. So any sort of wholesale rejection of my ideas is kind of painful. But, lest this be seen as a rant against how evil and unsupportive Hollingsworth is, the discussion was quite interesting for the most part. And he is supportive, even when he doesn't agree or understand my ideas, which is fairly often. Despite everything, it is still nice to be able to talk to him and spend time with him. I hope we'll still be able to do that after May.
And in completely unrelated news... I may end up being an executive board member of the newly revived Ann Arbor Medieval Festival. The first meeting was tonight. The idea intrigues me, although I admittedly have very little idea of what I'm doing. Medfest sounds sort of like a Renaissance Faire without all the commercialism and serious anachronisms. It also was, in the past, very theatre and music oriented. 'A-ha!' thinks Lisa, 'a chance to get involved in the artistic community of Ann Arbor!' For now there's lots of time to decide, and this is definitely something I want to be involved with on some level or another. I miss music and theatre so badly sometimes. I'm looking for a way back in.
I think I may do the sensible thing and go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. That's a frightening thought. Who knows? With the mood I've been in, this may be the week Lisa starts pulling her life back into some semblance of order. The chaos thing is getting a little old.
Wish me luck. Good night.
