March 20, 1999
Thanks, Ostara Bunny
I've been afraid to write lately. I mean really write. Deep-down, soul-searching writing. This is usually a sign that something is very wrong. Writing, you see, might get to the heart of whatever it is. And then I'd have to do something about it. I know what's wrong, really. I realized it early this morning, while I was talking to Brand.
I'm afraid of standing alone.
No crutches, no one to lean on, just me and unstinting, unending reality. Well, for the most part. It's all starting to hit me, really. After May, for the first time in my adult life, I will be, truly, a single person. No boyfriend, no roommate, no husband, no online love. Just... me. That scares me. But what scares me even more is how much I define myself through my relationships. I see who I am through the lenses of whoever I'm involved with - or whoever I think I'm involved with. Is it any wonder that I tend to leap from one serious relationship to another? I recognized my tendency to do that, and now I understand why. Who will I be, not connected to another person? It's not to say that I don't have friends... I do. Some of them even live in the same state. It's just different. I realized today that the temptation to stay with Hollingsworth and try to patch things up is growing. Do I love him still? Or am I starting to cling because I'm afraid of being alone?
No answers. To quote the current stopping point of Joanna's story: "At night, I had all the questions and none of the answers." Well, right now that's me: all questions and no answers.
I feel like an unresolved chord, hovering just on the edge of completion. Everything in my life seems to be on hold, waiting for the resolution to come. I don't know how to force that resolution. Or even if I should force it. The temptation is very strong to just sit, and wait for things to resolve around me, rather than to take action.
There's a strong current moving through my life right now. I've been standing against it, trying to hold my place where I am. Is it any wonder I've been so tired and frustrated? There's a difference, however, between standing against the current and letting it carry you wherever it will. I hardly know anything about boating or canoeing, but I know you can subtly influence which way a current takes you. The key word is 'subtly'. Subtle is hard, especially when you're not sure where you want to end up.
Right now, my currents are taking me away from being online so much. I use the word 'addiction' in reference to my online time as a joke, but it is no joke really. My 'real life' has been long neglected because of my online one. This isn't to say that I'm giving up the internet. I enjoy my web page and my journal and MUSHing too much still. But it is time to step back a little. It's time to start having more of a real life again.
Funny... At Samhain I talked about endings. Everything in my life seemed to be about letting go and ending what needed to be ended. Tomorrow I'm going to an Ostara ritual. Ostara, a time for recognizing the rebirth of life and light. New beginnings. The timing of my cycle with the cycle of the year was completely unconscious on my part.
Guess maybe I'm pagan after all.
