Divisions and Precisions

On the Tip of My Tongue

When my whole life is on the tip of my tongue
Empty pages for the no longer young
The apathy of time laughs in my face
You say "Each life has its place".

I know. I've been quoting the Indigo Girls a lot lately. For one, they're eminently quotable. And for two, they've been speaking to me a lot lately. Today was a very odd day. I am, in fact, reaching the conclusion that I don't like weekend days much. I woke up sometime around 3, and Hollingsworth was still home, but I could tell that he was getting ready to leave. He couldn't leave fast enough, as far as I was concerned. Lots and lots of antagonism for him today, and I'm not sure why, exactly.

Well, untrue. I do know why, but the reasons all seem to be petty and not really the whole truth of the matter. I'm irritated about a thousand little things that add up to one big thing. And rather than talk about it, I avoid him. He makes it remarkably easy for me to do so. I can't help but wonder if he's avoiding me too. I remember we talked before we decided to renew the lease here. One of the things we talked about was 'what happens when we both start dating again'. We thought we'd be able to work it out, no problem. I realize now what I really meant by that. What I really meant was that I didn't expect it to really be an issue. In the entire time that I've known him, five years now, Hollingsworth has had one girlfriend who lived in the same city as him: me. And he moved here after we started dating. Everyone else was someone he met on the net and saw only rarely.

Well at least he did meet this one on the net. She just happens to live in this area, is all. It bothers me that I don't even know her name. I don't know why that occurred to me, but it did. What it all comes down to is that I'm jealous. But it's an odd sort of jealousy. I don't necessarily want him back, I don't think. It's more of a "I was supposed to find someone FIRST, damn it!" sort of jealousy. Or more accurately, "I know we broke up and agreed to see other people, but you weren't really supposed to!"

Yeah, it's a double standard. I'm not proud.

All of this led to a very curious period of self-loathing earlier. For maybe half an hour or so, while I was running errands, everything about me and about my life seemed to absolutely SUCK and I felt like the most worthless human being to ever walk on the face of the earth. It was very... unsettling. In fact, it felt a lot like the way I used to feel when I was seriously depressed. That said, let me state clearly: I'm not depressed again. The feeling passed, like I knew it would. That right there is the fundamental difference. When I was depressed, however I felt at the moment was how I knew I was going to feel forever and forever. Today, when I felt so lousy, there was a little voice in the back of my head that kept saying "It's all right. This is going to pass, just keep doing what you were going to do anyway. Keep moving and you'll leave it behind." And sure enough, it happened.

I'm feeling a lot better now, if still a little unsettled. I find myself wondering if I shouldn't go ahead and get in touch with my old therapist again, just to have someone to talk this through with. I mean, a journal is great, and friends are great, but... it's just not quite the same. It's something to think about.

There's a feeling inside me that I can't quite touch or express. It seems like if I can just get to it, everything will make sense. It's right there, a greatness of thought and feeling that will sum up everything that I am, that troubles me, that makes me strong, the good and the bad... and it's just on the tip of my tongue.

If someone was here, and I stuck out my tongue, would they be able to see it?