August 17, 1999
The Rainbow Connection
I left work last night in a terrible hurry, anxious to get home. It was maybe 8:15 or so, and the sun was setting in the middle of a wannabe thunderstorm. The storm never actually broke, there were just a few sprinkles here and there. Walking out of the office, I looked up and thought, 'Hey, this is rainbow weather.' Sure enough, there it was, hanging over my car. Boy was it. I could only see about half of it, as the building blocked the rest. Curving against ominous black clouds, it was as brilliant a display of color as I can ever remember seeing. I just stood there for several moments, letting the rain sprinkles cover my glasses and leave tiny dark footprints on my shoulders, and looked at it. Even after I left the parking lot, I watched the rainbow. I'm surprised I didn't cause an accident, because my eyes weren't on the road much at all.
Finally I reached a clearing, and a stoplight. I rolled down my window and stuck my head outside to follow the rainbow's arc. I have never in my life seen a rainbow that completely arched overhead, stretching down to the ground on both sides. It was enormous. Enormous, and it looked completely solid and reachable. It looked like I would be able to hang and swing from the top of the arch, if I could just reach it. Finding the rainbow's end seemed utterly feasible. What's more, I wanted to reach it. It looked so... tangible, part of me wanted so much to reach out and touch what my eyes insisted had to be solid.
Then I noticed it had a twin. Just above it, like a shadow or a reflection, was another rainbow, murkier and less distinct. A double rainbow. My mind simply refused to accept that it was all an optical illusion caused by refracted light. It wanted to insist that I was seeing a road, a magical path, or a sign, an affirmation that a decision I had just made was the right one.
I wanted to thank Someone, but I didn't know who to thank.
So instead I was just grateful to the universe at large. I mean, you just have to find someone to thank for something that big. It's also easy to find a meaning in something so visible, something that symbolizes so many things. And I promised myself I wasn't going to get all girly about all the things rainbows symbolize. I'm not a sunshine, hearts and rainbows kind of woman, even if I do collect unicorns.
I think maybe the best way I can describe it is by telling you how it made me feel. Yearning. But at the same time, reassured. Even as I wanted so much to reach up and touch that rainbow, to see and feel its colors washing over my skin, I also felt a sense of quiet, ancient calm fall over me. Here was something immensely bigger and ultimately older than I was, something that was ephemeral as the sunbeam that formed it, but ultimately as lasting as the source of that same sunbeam.
In my very first online journal entry, I defined a spiritual experience as "any experience that makes me stop and think about something really fundamental to who I am." That's probably still the best way I could put it into words, although I think I would make an addition as well to "or any experience that allows me to touch or come in contact with some True thing or power." That I can't describe, beyond saying "I know it when I feel it."
