Divisions and Precisions

Natural Me

Well, this has certainly been an interesting week. Wednesday was truly beyond sucky. After going home from work, I pretty much lost it. I can honestly say I came as close as I have to a real depressive episode as I have in two and a half years. I was tired of fighting and tired of keeping myself afloat. Fortunately, there were a couple of people around to help. After a very long, very hard cry, and after a phone conversation that was at times heartfelt and at other times silly, I felt much better. Thursday was pretty bleah, mostly because of work.

Today, though. Today has been wonderful. I got to work about an hour early to catch up on some things, and was extremely productive this morning. Even better, while I was working on that deadly dull data entry, I borrowed some headphones and listened to some CDs. Or... a CD. Oh my. Disc 1 of my co-worker Eric's Aretha Franklin box set. Now... I've listened to her before. I don't know if it's my current frame of mind, or just the effect of listening to a whole CD's worth of her, but... I'm hooked. I already knew I really liked some of her songs, like "Respect" and "Natural Woman", but... especially for the latter of the two, I found myself having an actual physical reaction to the music. Well, aside from the fact that I can't sit still listening to this. Can't. No way. And I can't just tap my foot either. If I'm not paying attention, I find myself seriously getting down in my cubicle. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but yesterday Jo and I were getting dirty looks from the executives for belting out "Respect". Then again, that's not necessarily a bad thing either.

It's just odd though. "Natural Woman" is playing right now. I can feel it turning over in my stomach, tickling, almost. The chorus -- "You make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman..." -- starts out at the base of my skull and dances down my spine as the music descends. Does that sound weird? I've had music that gave me goosebumps before, but this is something new. I can hardly stand to sit here and not sing along.

How does it make me feel emotionally? Hard to say. There's this sort of joy to the song, not stand up and shout joy, it's quieter than that. Part of me listened to the words and wished I had someone to make me feel that way. Then again, following right on the heels of that was the thought, "Why can't you make yourself feel that way?" Good question. So many of the songs on this CD are about how this man or that man has made her feel so bad or so good... and I usually look at things that way. I want to take that power back for myself. Giving someone the power to make you feel this way or that way is such a huge thing... and I give it to people too easily. Right now the only person who should have that power is me.

When my soul was in the lost and found
You came along to claim it
I didn't know just what was wrong with me
Till your kiss helped me name it
Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for
Cause if I make you happy I don't need to feel more

Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like
A natural woman

I think I'll try and keep up with my own claim checks there. For now.