September 25, 1999
Greetings From Lansing
I love my friends. I have to say that, first and foremost. I have to -- they'll kick my butt otherwise. I got here about three hours ago. During that time I've ranted and giggled and relaxed. I feel much better overall. Currently I'm sort of watching Dawn play Diablo on the Playstation, and listening to Jason type on the computer. Heh. He's working on his character application for Something Wicked This Way Comes. I knew I'd get somebody sucked in. More Changeling addicts, more!
I had a realization driving in tonight. It's about an hour drive, so I had time to think. As I said in the drive-thru at McDonald's, I thought, "At least this time I have somewhere to run." At first that thought puzzled me, then I got it. The situation with Hollingsworth is triggering a lot of things from my marriage to Gary. There were so many times when Gary and I would fight (never physically -- I have never been physically abused by anyone) and he would storm out, and I would wish I had someone to go to. I didn't. The last two years of our marriage I was almost totally isolated. I was in a small town in the middle of nowhere where I didn't anyone. Gary was a student and had friends there. I had no one close. Now, when something comes up, good or bad, there are people all around me, virtually and in reality. That's a very comforting thought, even if it did make me cry.
Although to be honest, that wasn't the only reason. All of this has made me remember how helpless and hurt I felt living with Gary. Trapped, alone, not sure I was strong enough to do what I needed to do for me. With the bitchy stance I've taken with Hollingsworth, a part of me is really dreading the confrontation. Deep down I'm not sure I have it in me to be as bitchy in a full-fledged confrontation as I am in email or on ICQ. The situation may come to that, and I'm not sure I'm ready, as much as I want to be.
I feel helpless to control this situation, and that's part of what's pissing me off.
Except right now I'm not pissed off. Right now I'm basking in the warm relaxing aura of this house. This was a very good decision.
