September 29, 1999
Well, I'm not as upset as I was last night. I've pretty much resigned myself to living with two other people, at least until I get my situation worked out. It looks like I might be able to move as early as next week. Of course, whether or not my stuff will be ready to move by then is an entirely different matter. I have wonderful intentions though. I got up at 8 am this morning to start cleaning and packing... and then ended up sitting around half-asleep for two hours until I had to get ready for work. Like I said, my intentions were good.
I'm so tired. Even though I'm used to this work schedule, and I like it, it's hard for me to get home from work and actually start doing things, like packing, cleaning, etc. I'm not sure why, it's like my brain insists that doing housework after 8 pm is just wrong, or something. I need to get over that. Of course, the fact that I've been staying at work until 9 or 9:30 to avoid Hollingsworth at home doesn't help matters any. Tonight I won't do that, I think. Tonight I'll go home right after work and get some things done.
I will, I will, I will. I have to!
No further drama on the Hollingsworth/Wednesday front, thank heavens. My mom keeps asking for Hollingsworth's email address, and I keep not giving it to her. While I definitely appreciate the support I'm getting from my family and friends, I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of anyone else getting involved in any direct confrontation with him, in any way. Of course, since my mom is planning on helping me move, I have a feeling that might be unavoidable. In fact, come to think of it, that might be part of the reason my mom's helping me move. *grin* I know she's kinda spoiling for a fight on my behalf.
I will say this much. My resolution to remain single seems a lot easier to keep right about now. I have almost no desire to be in any sort of serious relationship beyond friendship right now. I want to flirt, yes. I definitely wouldn't mind having someone to cuddle with. But anything more serious? No way. And it'll be a cold day in hell before I live with a boyfriend again. (Then again, I said that about marriage too, and I've kinda reconsidered that stance.)
I noticed when I was driving to work today that the colors have started changing on the trees. It hit me with an almost physical force: fall is here. When I saw the colors, I had a chain of physical and emotional responses. Seeing the red and orange and yellow, I started to smell leaf smoke. That smell triggers so many different feelings. It's a bittersweet smell for me, full of changes and pain and sadness and joy. It's a complex smell, because fall is a very complex time of year. All of the major relationships I've been in as an adult had their beginnings and endings in the fall. For several years running, I was guaranteed to have at least one depressive episode during the fall. I'm more lethargic in the fall. I think somehow my body is trying to start hibernating, or something. And now fall is here. And as per usual, my life is sort of upside down. Usually things get better by Samhain, so if I can just hang in there for one more month.
Then again, once I get moved, things are bound to start getting better.