October 20, 1999
From This Moment
This morning I thought the storm had passed. A good day yesterday, a good night's sleep, everything seemed fine this morning. Everything was fine, in fact, until I started driving home from work. Then the second blast hit. It was much shorter and much less intense than the one Monday night/Tuesday morning. I didn't even cry that much. I just... ached. Briefly and completely. I have to get over this before I make myself nutty.
Torturing myself with visions of me singing at their wedding is not the way to do this. I learned that driving home.
(Sidenote: What on earth makes me do stuff like that to myself? Why is it that I have this overwhelming urge to not just wallow, but bury myself in hurtful things? Is it that I somehow think I'll get over it faster if I get all the hurt out at once? Sometimes I think I get some sort of twisted pleasure out of seeing just how miserable I can make myself. Seeing just how much I can really take. Whatever it is, I wish I could stop.)
I also realized tonight just how bad I am at being friends face to face. I don't mean the actual interaction, but the little things that keep a 'real life' friendship going: keeping in touch, seeing each other regularly, visiting back at forth. I'm horrible at it. It's like I've forgotten how to be social face to face, at least, on a long term basis. That's just scary.
So I have no one that I'm really close to nearby, except for my mom. Dawn and Jason and I are getting closer, but I'm not completely sure they count as 'nearby'; they're an hour away. Jo and I are friends, but not hugely close. Besides, her personal life is so swamped, work is about the only place I'd ever see her right now anyway.
So for now I remain a terribly inexperienced hostess, and a tentative real life friend. I want to change that too. But, realizing that I can't change everything at once, some things are going to have to wait longer than others. I am, however, thinking of calling up an old friend who's reasonably nearby and seeing if she wants to go to movies with me or something this weekend.
Probably be 'or something'. Payday's still about a week or so off.
I feel much better now. While I've been writing this, I've been sitting and chatting with Von via ICQ. It's funny, I'm not usually one to keep how I feel from anybody, but not mentioning that I was upset and just talking to someone normally made me feel a lot better.
That done, I think it's time to find some dinner and upload this rambly thing.
