July 21, 2000
I Do Miss Acting Though...
Well the good news is I'm not nearly as cranky today as I was last night. The bad news is that I think I've got a couple people irritated at me this morning from my cranky crap last night. I may have some crow to eat when the California contigent starts logging on this afternoon. I hate when I do that. I hate knowing that I'm being unfair or unreasonable or out-of-bounds and then doing it anyway. It's this roiling, purple-yellow feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me I'm being a shit but doesn't tell me how to stop it.
So, public apologies to Josh and Brand, with private ones to follow when I talk to you guys.
I got some good book news today (well, good depending on your point of view). I mentioned yesterday that we were running out of room. Brand and I discussed possibly having to cut an entire story. On the one hand, that's good, because I haven't started actually writing one of the stories yet. But really, it's bad, because it messes with the rest of the book. Trimming all stories to fit the extra one in wouldn't work either -- too much to trim. So I emailed my editor last night. This morning I get a blessed response: trim what we can, send it all in, they may be able to fit it. So, while we get a few thousand extra words to toy with, that means I have a few thousand extra words to write. ;-) Ah well. Dawn's ditching me this weekend just cause her husband's coming home from Mexico on Saturday (jeez, can you believe her? *grin*), so I'll have plenty of time to write.
I'm not exactly tired today, but I'm drowsy. Getting up two hours early each day seems to be catching up with me. I'm at that level of busyness where I always have something to do, but I'm not at the point where I feel so overwhelmed that everything seems hopeless. It's not a bad place to be, but I'd like a break I think. Maybe after I get this draft turned in. My whole world (and hence, this journal) revolves around this book right now, in case you missed that fact. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do next. As tempting as it is to stick around and keep writing for Tribe 8, I think I should push myself and start trying to sell to some more conventional fantasy markets. I mean, I know I'll write for T8 again. There are several projects coming up that I'm sure I'll be working on, but I don't think I should focus on that again right away.
And that makes me nervous. There's a sort of thought distortion I learned about in therapy, I forget what it's called, but it's the idea that how things are now is how they'll always be, i.e., 'I'm depressed and miserable now, therefore I'll always be depressed and miserable.' I do that. I do variations of that as well. If I'm single (like I am currently, yes), I become convinced that I'll always be single and I'll never have another significant other ever again. After one of the plays I was in ended, I'd be convinced that I'd never get cast in a role that good again. (Okay, so I haven't acted onstage in seven years. That one's holding true so far.) You see where I'm going with this? Part of me is terrified that this book, this editor liking my writing, is all a great big fluke and that I'll never ever get published anywhere else, and in fact, that I may never get published anywhere again.
It's silly. I know it is. And I think the best way to combat that fear is to start working on a mainstream story (or hell, a novel -- now that I know that I have the stamina to write a book) as soon as possible. Get back on the horse before I get afraid to ride it again. 'Cause nothing will get published if I don't write it and submit it.
Mo is finally in Brazil. She's spending six months down there for her job. She's been very very excited about this since she first found out about it. While she's down there (and hopefully after, but that's just my wishful thinking) she's started keeping a sort of mini-journal called Living in Expatria. She'll have to change the name after she gets back of course, but that's okay. So go! Go read about the Toronto girl lost in the wilds of Sao Paulo!
