September 04, 2000
If you're my mom or you're squicked by the idea of me talking about sex... you might want to hit that back button on your browser right now.
It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, partly just due to natural hormones, and partly because it's been nigh on two years since I last, uh, indulged. Well, with someone else, at least. I can so relate to a lot of what Von wrote a few weeks ago, in so many ways. Probably the oddest thing, at least to people who only know me casually, is that I'm really a very sexual person. Admittedly, it's not something I'm normally extremely open about, one because it usually falls into the category of TMI (Too Much Information), and two because, well... as self-assured as I try to be, part of me is fairly certain that most people are a little troubled by the idea of very large people being sexual. I know, I know. It's their problem and I shouldn't cater to it. Consider this my first step in the right direction.
How does it make sense for someone to be very sexual and very shy about it at the same time? I don't know. When I'm at ease in a situation or with someone, I can be completely open and relaxed about it. I find myself being really envious of someone like Jo, who is able to be so open she's almost in your face about who she is. Perhaps not surprisingly, I tend to create and write about characters that are likewise very sexual, and quite honest about it. Living vicariously? Well duh. But then, isn't that what most of roleplay is about? Admittedly, probably the most notorious is Jake. In the course of her two and a half years as a character, she's had about nine partners, unless I've missed someone. Beyond that, she's a formal member of a noble faerie house that might be as likely to knight someone for documenting a new sexual technique as for bravery in battle. She and her House are proof that it is at least theoretically possible to be utterly romantic about being promiscuous. In a scene she did just last night, in fact, while sort of counseling a younger member of her house, she said, "Virtue is not a matter of who sleeps in what bed. It's a matter of the heart." That as much as anything, sums up her philosophy on the matter. (To which Brand commented, "Of course she thinks that, it lets her sleep around and still be good!" I smacked him.)
It pretty much sums up my philosophy as well. In fact, Jake nearly quoted Tom Smith, from "Unicorn Song": "Listen, young women, your virtue is pure, if you live by your own heart's advice." I realized she wasn't too familiar with filk though, so she paraphrased. It's all just a question of whether or not I can live by my philosophy. I suppose I can. I suppose I do, in a way. I don't know. I knew where I was going with this when I started... now I'm faltering. I guess what it all comes down to is that my philosophy is writing checks that my self-confidence can't cash.
I would love to be the type of person who could just come on to someone I found attractive, without being terrified of getting a repulsed look from them. There is, in fact, a rather sizable list of people I'd jump, given the chance to do so without negative consequences (i.e., someone getting hurt, pregnant, diseased, the wrong someone else finding out, getting that repulsed look, etc.). In a way, I'd love for sex to be something I could fall into as easily as I can love. Right now, I can't. It has less to do with morality, I think, and more to do with fear. Being rejected emotionally... that I can handle. That I'm used to. I have enough self-confidence emotionally that I can bounce back from that.
Being rejected sexually? Ouch. Not ready for that one. My body confidence is growing, but it's still shaky. Forcing myself to deal frequently with the fact that many people are not going to find my curvy, fleshy self attractive would probably weaken that confidence more than encourage it to grow. Or would it? I'm afraid to find out. Right now I'm afraid to approach anybody unless they're as blatant as having 'I want to sleep with Lisa' tattooed on their forehead in inch-high letters.
Sometimes I think if I had my way, I'd do away with sexual jealousy, insecurity, all of that. It works for some people. Maybe it's just where I live, but open relationships are becoming more accepted, if not more common. Is it possible to care enough about someone to sleep with them, but be in love with someone else? Sure it is. And I don't just mean empty casual sex, which falls out of the realm of my 'own heart's advice'. I mean caring about someone, desiring them, but being able to let them go. Sometimes I think I want that more than I want an actual relationship. I would like for sex to not necessarily equate love, but to equate caring and respect. I would like for sex to not necessarily equate the breaking or forming of a commitment, beyond that caring and respect. I would love to see fidelity redefined to mean what each member of each relationship (be there two or three or however many) decides it is, rather than a blind acceptance of what society says it is. Society, frankly, has far more interest in who sleeps in which bed than in how people feel. That's faulty logic, to me.
Are people hard-wired to be jealous sexually? Or is it something long ingrained in us through our upbringing? Considering how sexual mores have changed through time, it'd be easy to just assume the latter is true. Heck, even in the Old Testament, no one seems to blink at men like Abraham and David and Solomon having wives and concubines galore. While there is some strife documented (I'm thinking of Sarah and Hagar, off the top of my head), it seems to come more from a struggle for power within the household than from sexual jealousy. I could be wrong. I don't think we have to automatically turn green at the thought of a partner doing the wild thing with someone else. Is it our knee-jerk reaction? Hell yes. Is it possible to overcome our early programming? Sure. Is it a good thing to do so? Depends on who you ask. For me, the answer is yes. I'm working on it.
Where does this leave me now? Still single, still chaste (damn it), still trying to live by what I'm growing to believe.
In other words, business as usual. For now.