Divisions and Precisions

Self-Acceptance

Foggy-headed and bleah feeling today. I can't promise to be utterly entertaining.

Lately I've been feeling like a big old phony in a lot of ways. I'm trying to update my bio page to reflect a lot of the changes that have taken place over the past couple years. One of the things I have on the old page is how I didn't consider myself a fat activist. I do now. I may not be a card-carrying member of NAAFA (yet), but especially over the past couple months, I've started speaking out here and there. I'm starting to get more comfortable with the entire subject.

But -- there's always a but, right? -- just lately I feel very fake. Or more accurately, I feel ugly and in all ways undesireable. I feel that if anyone is ever going to be attracted to me, it's going to be strictly for my mind, that my body is something they'll look past rather than accept, much less desire, as part of the package. God knows I've dated people I wouldn't have been attracted to physically if it wasn't for the mental attraction. I don't believe I'm the sort of girl that someone would turn their head to look at, or that someone would see across the room and feel compelled to come talk to. I've hated everything I've seen in the mirror lately, but at the same time, I've felt very stubborn, determined not to change to fit someone else's standards. But it's hard.

Loneliness has been a big battle over the past several months -- not for lack of friends, that's not the problem. Being single is starting to become an ache, but at the same time, I don't want to become someone who's obsessed with "finding someone". Desperation is even more unattractive than society says fat is. This is hard. This is hard to write and hard to talk about. I talk so much about self-acceptance, but when it really comes down to it, I haven't accepted myself yet.